Crossing-out I

"And he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised." - 2 Corinthians 5:15

I am so thankful that I no longer have to live for myself. Self is the most frustrating, worthless, and aimless pursuit I could ever live for. I praise God that He died so that my life now has a purpose so beyond me. I have learned so much this summer, but one thing that God has graciously opened my eyes to over and over again is how much I view everything in light of me. I realize that as we follow Christ, there are some things that we must learn over and over again in varying degrees--the loss of self is one of those things. But, I'm thankful for God's kindness that leads to repentance and that when I am living only for myself, I have a constant aching within my soul. It's as if my heart knows that it's free to live for something more and isn't content to just pursue the next self-fulfilling thing. As soon as I begin to live for myself and lose sight of the reason God has saved me, I begin to lose heart and grow quickly discouraged--not to mention trying to serve Him apart from Him is not only impossible, but the attempt is completely exhausting.

As I was sitting on the train by myself the other day, I was reading the story of a missionary woman named Helen Roseveare. She was a missionary in Africa and had to battle self also. Helen was becoming easily frustrated and burnt-out in her ministry. One of the men in the people group she was ministering to pulled her aside and told her that they could see so much Helen that they couldn't see Jesus. Ouch! He then painted a beautiful picture for her in the dirt floor. He began by telling her that self is our greatest enemy. He then drew a line in the dirt. Referring to Galatians 2:20, he said that following Christ is asking God to cross out the "I" in our lives, drawing a line through the line he had previously drawn. If you can picture this, you know that this picture would make a cross. He told Helen that the Cross is the 'crossed-out I life.'

"It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."

This story rang painfully true within my heart. Do people see so much Emily that they don't see Jesus? Am I trying so hard to please people and make them think something of me that I am not showing them my Savior, the one who died so I would no longer have to live for myself?

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I must crucify myself daily and follow Christ--leaving behind my desires, my hopes, my fears and walk as He walked. It is a daily battle and I know that I will continue to learn more about this as I grow to become more like Him. But, my prayer is that He will continue to teach me what it means to cross-out the I and that He would continue to make me feel uncomfortable until people see more Jesus than Emily.