On verses I don't like & putting beauty in its rightful place

A friend and I talked about how strange blogs are.  It's like a journal entry, but one that the whole world has the liberty to read.  With that being said, this will be one of my more "intimate" posts.  Prepare to get a glimpse into depths of my soul that very few know. I am sharing these thoughts because I am pretty sure I'm not alone in this.  And I think most women have some dimension of this in their life.  So here goes...

Wanna know some of my least favorite verses in the Bible?

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

"Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:4

Before you dismiss me as a heretic for disliking these verses, let me explain.

First of all, I have these verses memorized and I have since high school.  I didn't say they lack value or are somehow less God-inspired than other verses.  I just have a really hard time agreeing with them.  I mean...it's good in theory, right? 

Wow, God looks more at my heart than what size of pants I fit into?  And fearing the Lord is of more value than charm and beauty?  That's actually really good news for us as women. 

The problem is that we live in a world that stands absolutely antithetical to these verses.  When a teenage girl is struggling with her identity and value, we can't just prescribe her some "it's your heart that matters" and send her into a world that tells her the exact opposite.  AND, there are some women who break the mold of these verses completely.

We feel great talking about inner beauty until a girl walks in who is stunning on the outside--perfectly toned arms, beautiful skin, a glowing smile, on and on--AND has this amazing heart for Jesus.

My response?

"Really, Lord?  If beauty is all about the heart, PLEASE tell me why you made some girls so incredibly beautiful.  I mean have they EVER struggled with feeling inferior and unlovely and worthless?!"

There you have it.  That's the honest truth.  Those are my thoughts in those moments.  It seems that those verses lose ALL their weight for me in those moments. 

I've struggled with those thoughts for as long as I can remember. And I'm pretty sure most girls have, even the ones who seem--from every appearance--perfect.    

Part of my frustration with those verses is that I want to be liberated by them.  I desire to live like I really believe that it's true--that the cultivation of my heart is of infinitely more value than how I look.  And there's been moments in the past couple of months where I've just wanted to know why my head and my heart just can't seem to connect on these verses.

I've given up trying to understand why God created some girls so stunningly beautiful without any effort while others struggle to find one good quality every time they look at a mirror.  Yes, He has created each one of us unique and valuable in our own way.  But, at the heart of it, sometimes those responses fall fatally short.  And, in all honesty, I don't think there's an easy answer for those questions. 

But....

I think there are 2 things that are essential for us as women if we are to move on from here and not get eaten alive by the lies the culture, our own minds, and the Enemy throw at us about what beauty is and what it isn't.

The first is simple, but it's essential.  Fix your eyes on Jesus.  Why?  Because He's all that matters.  The closer you get to HIS heart, the less you'll be consumed with YOUR physical appearance.  It's crazy what our appearance-driven society has done to us.  Somehow, we've bought into the lie that even Jesus was this blue-eyed, feather-haired, chiseled model who just happened to be God and love people and change the world.  And now that you know some of my least favorite verses, I'll share with you one of my favorites:

....he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

Isaiah 53:2 

Wait--you mean Jesus wasn't an Abercrombie model with long, flowy hair?  You mean, he didn't turn heads when He walked into a room because of how good-looking He was? 

Well, that's what the Bible says about Him.  And if Jesus is the Son of God and didn't have an external appearance that stunned the world, why do we expect to?  Why do we place such value on that, when our King wasn't even desirable?

You can be sure that Jesus did turn heads when He walked into a room.  And it was for reasons that were so much more valuable and powerful than his external appearance--He was showing people what God was like--even the beauty of God--and He didn't need physical attractiveness to do that.  Think about that.  There are so many implications wrapped up in that.  And so much freedom.  We've been given the same Spirit that dwelt within Jesus (Romans 8:11) and therefore have the same power to turn heads for the right reasons. 

Secondly, we have got to stop comparing ourselves to one another.  We're destroying ourselves and one another in the process.  Fight that temptation with everything in you.  Yes, it's hard for us as women to get around those thoughts.  But, think back to that Spirit that's within you--He raised Christ from the dead.  And He can resurrect your heart to love other girls more than you criticize and compare.

So...think about it....We have been set free to be vessels of beauty the way our Creator always intended for us to be.  Let's live like it. 

*My friend said some things about this in her blog that I love.  You should check it out.

The Household of God

I really hate disappointing people.  Regardless of how small or big the offense, I hate knowing that my actions, words, lack of action--whatever it may be--have let someone down.  I am also not a fan of conflict. (I almost put "hate" conflict, but I am learning to see it as opportunity for growth and change; it's not all bad when looked at it that way).

Anyways, when I find myself in conflict with someone, it is hard for me to think about anything else.

My mind and heart are distracted, my energy is drained, my effectiveness in any other area is significantly lessened.

As uncomfortable as those feelings are, I think they are important because they remind us that God doesn't desire for those broken relationships to remain as they are; He desires unity, peace, reconciliation.

I mean, just look at the cross.

Undoubtedly, that was all Jesus thought about in the weeks, days, moments leading up to His betrayal, arrest, and crucifixion.

Think for a moment about the people that Jesus had experienced "conflict" with leading up to the cross--Judas, Peter, the high priest, the soldiers, the people who spat on him and mocked him, on and on.

And what did Jesus do?

He died for them.  He asked that the Father would forgive them as they were right in the middle of beating him, humiliating him, denying him, breathing threats against him. 

He thought about how burdened his soul was, but He also knew what would be accomplished for all mankind.

Unity between Jew and Gentile.

Peace between God and Man and peace among men.

Reconciliation from what was broken and lost in the Garden of Eden. 

So, He drank the fullness of the cup.

And everything changed.

The way I approach conflict is completely different now because of Jesus, especially with other believers.

I don't have the option to leave things broken and messed up between brothers and sisters in Christ.  That doesn't mean we will always agree on every point.  But, if we both claim to love, follow and submit to Jesus Christ, that means we always have the means and the motivation to overcome whatever peace-squelching division exists between us.

Sadly, we all know that divisions still exist.  We have all seen the painful effects of broken relationships between believers. 

And yet, the Church is what God chose to reveal Himself and His character to the world.  He could have used any means.  And He chose the broken, messy, often-failed relationships between His people to be what would declare His love and what would mark His people as His disciples.

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples,

if you have love for one another."

John 13:35

And He even chose that the Church would be a display of His glory from the foundation of the world. 

"...through the Church the manifold wisdom

of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities

in the heavenly places.  This was according to the eternal purpose that he

has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Ephesians 3:10-11

But, maybe that's the whole point after all.

Maybe the fact that we are broken and messy and often divided would show His glory and power and love even more.  That we serve a God who uses brokenness for beauty, pain for purpose, division for divine reasons continually leaves me stunned. But, in Him using broken people to march forth His Kingdom, He receives much glory. And when He restores a broken relationship through the Cross, His power is clearly seen. 

He's building a household of Jews, Gentiles, slaves, free, men, women--all on the foundation of Jesus Christ--the only foundation upon which all peoples find unity and a common place to stand.  He's shaping each of us, chiseling away our anger and hatred and selfishness, so that we might come together as His household.  One that, while imperfect, points undeniably to the Savior who fixes broken things and in which God Himself might dwell.  

"You are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit." Ephesians 2:19-22

Detached

That is how I feel right now.

Separate. Disconnected. Removed.

Some people thrive off of time alone. While I do need that alone time to recharge every once in a while, I am most often recharged being around people.

I am an external processor--which is hard to do by yourself.

Absolute quiet makes me want to go crazy, while being around the chaos of kids or family fills my heart.

All this to say, I'm what most would call a "people person."

Since March, I have been living by myself. Well, with 2 cats--but we all know that doesn't count, right? (Yes, I've become the infamous "single woman with all her cats" at the age of 23).

There are no other people. Nobody to talk to about my day or hear about theirs. Nobody to cook dinner for or bake cookies for. And after 6 months of living alone, I realize how much I really don't like it.

Having lived with roommates or other families or in various homes in the Czech Republic and everywhere in between, I was ready for a "break" to have my own space. So, when this opportunity came up to live in this home by myself, I thought it was ideal. And, it has been a huge blessing in many ways.

But, there's something missing in not having people around. As hard as it was to share a room with another girl (or 2 or 3), there's something refreshing about it (and it makes you clean out your closet a whole lot more than usual). I try to have people over as often as possible, but it's just not the same as having another presence right here in the house.

More than anything, I miss the fellowship that being around others brings. God created us to live in community. It's what He uses to refine us, encourage us, challenge us, humble us, and most importantly, make us more like Jesus Christ.

I would venture to say that nearly every command in Scripture given to us involves other people, or at the very least is best implemented in our dealings with others.   For example--being kind or patient or humble is easy when we are not accountable to anyone and are not affecting anyone in our unkindness, impatience or pride. It is so easy to become quickly deceived about who I am when it's just me, myself and I. And in this sense, it is far too easy to begin to think that I am kind or patient or humble when I am alone.

Because, after all...Who's going to tell me I'm wrong?

So, all this rambling has no purpose other than being reminded of and thankful for the way that our Creator has made us--for relationship. Yes, it gets messy at times and often feels like it's not worth the trouble. But, let me tell you--as one who has been walking likely the most "detached from relationships" path I have ever walked in my short life--it is worth it for what it produces in and through us. And it is the means that our Creator has wisely chosen to mold us into His likeness.

For me in this season, He's molding this people-person type of girl using the opposite means--by being alone more than I'd ever wish to be.  I'm learning how to be okay with the quiet and how to make the most of those moments between just the Lord and me.  I'm learning to choose to be refreshed by spending time in His Word and in fellowship with Him rather than always surrounding myself with people.  Because the beautiful thing about God is that He always has so much more for us--more to learn about Him, others and ourselves; more to taste and see and experience of Him.  So, while He created us to live in community and be in relationship with others, He also created us to only be completely satisfied in relationship with Him.  Those relationships are meant to point us to more of Him and His nature.  They are means to the most glorious end--knowing and loving our great God.  

What we need to know on days like today....

What Remains True after 6 months of Grieving

Today marks 6 months since Mary passed away.  6 months since she entered the presence of God.  Thinking about it in those terms seems so much sweeter.

For us, it's been 6 months of stumbling through each day, crying in the moments where it seems too hard to bear, trying to figure out how to pick up from here with her gone.

But, for her....every day, she is amazed again as she sees before her very eyes the God of the universe.  Every moment, her heart is filled with inexpressible joy as she stands in the presence of her Savior.  Her faith has become sight and she is well.  She's been there 6 whole months and nothing about it is "getting old."  Nothing about it seems too familiar to be amazed.  She's never once wished she could come back to earth, even on the days we'd give anything to have her back.

Her kids started a new school year this week without their mom.  I really cannot imagine what that is like--back to school shopping without mom, new teachers and friends without mom, another season of life without mom.  My heart truly hurts for those boys.

But, I have to cling to this hope in the midst of it: there is more.  There is more than what is seen, more than the pain that lingers and weighs heavily even after 6 months, more than 2 kids trying to get by without their mom.  There is a God who loves those boys more than any person ever could--even Mary. He is still on His throne and He's pointing us to our Home beyond this earth.

I think if Mary could talk to us on days like today--ones where we relive every painful, nightmarish moment leading up to her leaving this earth; ones where we are reminded that this isn't just going to "go away"--she'd say something like this:  It's going to be okay.  I know it hurts and I know that you wish you could change things or somehow see the end of this story.  But, please know that this God is everything He says He is.  He really does love His children more than you could ever imagine and He really does work all things together for good in the end.  Don't give up.  It's worth every second of pain and suffering when you see what He's prepared for those who love Him, when you see Him.  

So, that hope gets me through days like today.  I know it will be worth it in the end--for her boys, for her sisters, for her friends, for every single person affected by this, and for the sake of the Kingdom for all eternity.  It isn't just "okay" or "tolerable."  It is best.  And even after 6 months of wrestling through questions and coming up short on answers, I still believe that with all of my heart.  Mary not only believes that from a distance, but sees it day in and day out.  And someday we will too. I don't know exactly what that day will be like.  But, I imagine it will be something like what Steven Curtis Chapman says:

Though this first taste is bitter

There will be sweetness forever

When we finally taste and see

That Our God is in control

And we’ll sing

Holy Holy Holy is in our God

And we will finally really understand what it means

So we’ll sing

Holy Holy Holy is our God

While we’re waiting for that day

Sorrowful Rejoicing

The reality of the broken world in which we live has been increasingly evident to me the past few weeks.  In fact, it seems that the older I get, the more I see the fallen state of this world.

I hear more and more stories of pain and suffering and death and disease in the lives of others; stories that simply make no sense and realities that are hard to swallow.

News reports become more grotesque and hard to believe (i.e. the story of what has happened in Norway recently).

I see the damaging effects of sin in relationships and the extent of sin that is present in people (myself included).

I know many who are in blatant sin and rebellion and completely blinded to their selfishness and I know even more (again, myself included) who are trying to call people out of that sin and rebellion and selfishness to no avail. 

Even as I write this, I am holding back tears that have seemed to be more readily flowing lately.  These instances just keep pouring in.  Life is just really difficult sometimes.

And yet, in the midst of all of this, I am realizing that the older I get, the more I long for my Home.  These stories point me to the reality of eternity in ways that nothing else can.

I ache for the day when all these wrongs will be made right.

I cling to the hope that someday, pain will be erased and joy will be complete, perfect, and unending.  

And so, in the midst of the pain and discomfort and sorrow, I rejoice.

I rejoice because the things of this world are not ultimate. They are fleeting.  They will soon pass and will usher in an inexpressible beauty and peace that can't even be imagined this side of heaven.  And if I didn't feel the results of sin in such a real and present sense here on earth, I wonder that I would be able to fully love and appreciate and delight in what awaits.

I am realizing that maybe those things which are the most painful to bear, the most disheartening, are the very things that my Savior uses to remind me of all that He has won for all of eternity.  They are the ever-present reminders that there is something more.

 And so, these things become not just burdens to bear, but the very things in which I rejoice. They remind me that though I live in this world at present, my citizenship--my home--lies in the place I was created for, a place that will make every second of suffering more than worth it; a place that will make this very real and evident pain pale in comparison to the joy of eternity with our Savior that is set before us.

It's a sorrowful, beautiful, painful, devastating kind of rejoicing. And it's just another evidence of the great paradox those of us who are in Christ live in--who live in a broken and hurting world, and yet who live for an eternal and perfect Kingdom and the King who is still on His throne in the midst of it all.

"We are...as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything. " 2 Corinthians 6:10

Ava

I just have to share this picture of my niece Ava.  This was her on Easter Sunday.  It also happened to be her birthday the same day.  She was one happy little princess.  She put her hello kitty rainboots on to go on her Easter egg hunt.  No time for strapping on her pretty little sandals!

I really love being an aunt.  I've talked about that before here (though quite out-dated, the reasons why I love them is still the same).  One of the reasons I love it so much is that I get to see them grow up and see their little minds wrap around the idea of a big God who loves them.  I love seeing it through their eyes; it's all so much more simple. Ava is 4 and is asking lots of questions about Jesus lately.  I love them all. Sometimes it's good to get back to the basics.

He loves me.

He made me.

I can talk to Him anytime I want.

Those are the lessons Ava is learning for the very first time.  And they are lessons I want to come back to often.

I pray that beautiful little Ava grows up to be a woman who loves God and seeks Him and finds her beauty in Him.  Until then, I love seeing the process as she begins to understand who He is.  And I love all that I am being reminded of in the process.     

Overwhelmed

Yesterday was one of those days in which I felt overwhelmed with life.  Sometimes it just hurts, ya know?  A family friend passed away and though she was 93 and headed to meet her Savior, it's never easy to say goodbye.  Poor little Nik cried himself to sleep because he missed his mommy.  Needless to say, it was a rough day.  One for the books.


Then today came.  It was an early morning, which are always difficult for me (I'm totally not a morning person!).  But, His mercies were new and they shone so very brightly into my weary and burdened heart.

Nik wanted to bring his Bible to school this morning and he read Scripture to me on the short drive to school.  His heart is hungering more and more after God's Word and my heart is more and more encouraged by it.

My parents and sister and I went down to UCLA for a doctor's appointment for my sweet mom who has Parkinson's Disease.  We were all faced with the painful reminder that it's a progressive disease, that her earthly body is never going to be perfectly "ok" again.  And yet, there we sat in the doctor's office, laughing, enjoying one another, uncertain of, but not fearful for the future.   

God reminded me through phone calls and texts from friends, time with family, worship music we listened to in the car, and His Word that He is good.  His kindness never ends.  He is faithful in every season.

He has promised in His Word that "goodness and mercy shall follow [literally pursue] me  all the days of my life." (Psalm 23:6)  And He has proven that promise moment by moment, day by day in more ways than I can ever hope to express. 

He pursued me to rescue my soul from death and He will continue to pursue me in goodness and mercy forever.  I can think of nothing more sweet.

Time

I find myself wrestling over and over again with the timing of the Lord.  In my human impatience and anxiety, I want to know now.  But, God doesn't seem to be as concerned with the timing as he is with the outcome.  He knows the number of days, minutes, seconds that are needed in the fulfillment of his purposes in my life.  He doesn't delay a single moment.  From where I sit today, there are quite a few circumstances in which I wish I could fast-forward 5, 10, 20 years and see the outcome.  But, from where He sits, the beginning and the end are clear and the process of getting from where I am today to where He wants me to be is one of waiting on Him.  He knows exactly how long it will take and the conditions along the way that will bring about the end result.


Here are some of my favorite verses lately about His perfect timing:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

 a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

 a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace....

He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8,11

When I look at each of the "times" that God has ordained, I am humbled.  Each of those seasons are part of His plan.  He doesn't want to skip over the season for weeping to get back to laughing again.  He doesn't want to start building up before the season for breaking down is over.  Each of those are beautiful in their own right, none more beautiful than the other.  There is always something that He has for me in each and every season He has planted me in and I don't want to skip over it just to get to the next season.  

Habakkuk also wrestled with the timing of the Lord and went to God often with His fear and desire for immediate justice.  "Come on, God.  This surely can't be what you have planned, everything just seems to be going bad all around me."  And then, God answers him, saying that his plan is good, but too good for Habakkuk to understand with his human mind from where he stands.  Habakkuk answers again, "Ok, Lord.  I get it.  You're good, your ways are beyond me....but, seriously, how long are you going to let this go on for?"  And, then God responds in this way:

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; 

it hastens to the end--it will not lie.  

If it seems slow, wait for it;

it will surely come; it will not delay.  

I love God's response.  He doesn't tell Habakkuk when His plan will be fulfilled or even how; just that it will be fulfilled and at exactly the right moment.  Habakkuk continues to wrestle with God, but finally comes to the conclusion that he still has so much to rejoice in because the goodness and faithfulness of God is still evident, even in seeming desolate seasons.

Finally, there is this little gem of a passage in Malachi 3:2-3

For He [the Lord] is like a refiner's fire and fullers' soap.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, 

and he will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver,

and they will bring offerings in righteousness to the Lord."

His goal is refining us until we are ready to come to Him with offerings of righteousness.  Wow.  What a wise and patient God.  A refiner sitting down, holding silver over a flame, watching all of the imperfections bleed out until the desired result is accomplished--that's what my Heavenly Father does with me.  He sees the beauty that is hidden underneath and is willing to sit next to the flame until that beauty comes through brilliantly; He knows exactly how long that will take and He sits there patiently until just the right moment. 

My Father understands time in a way that is so different than I do--and I love Him for it.  Just another proof of how worthy He is of my praise and adoration; He is so unlike me, so wise in all He does, so unlimited by minutes and hours and days and years.  So, like Habakkuk, I will rejoice in the Lord though I don't understand all of his ways.  I will look forward in anticipation to the revelation of His plan, but I will wait with quiet patience and joy because of who God is and what He's already done today.

Knowing Him

I'm constantly amazed at how often I need to be reminded of the absolute basics of living for Christ.  Yes, there are deeper truths that the Holy Spirit reveals to us as our journey with Him continues, but there is also this ongoing need for us to be grounded in the basics.

This weekend I was at a great little conference held at the US Center for World Missions for those who are looking to go out on the mission field in the near future. We had great speakers, great conversations, made great connections and were able to network people and resources.  But by about day 3, I was a bit overwhelmed talking about strategy and vision and methodology for mission.  I felt like my brain was swimming and I was desperately trying to sort through it all.

And then, the speaker for that night got up and was supposed to address the issue of what Western Missionaries need to do prepare to go on the mission field.  His response, in an hour-long sermon?

The disentangled Christ.

Suddenly it all clicked--strategy and vision and methodology are all good things to think about and discuss.  But, often Jesus gets tangled up in all of those things and suddenly, the very One we're trying to bring to the nations is wrapped up in all of these relative things.  But, Jesus is the only Absolute.  I can prepare for 10 years to go on the mission field, but if I am not seeking to know Jesus intimately, I have nothing to bring with me.  I don't want to be known for the program I'm trying to push or the great strategy I've thought of--I want to be known as one who knows and loves Jesus Christ.

It brought me back to the question that had been tormenting me--what is the biblical method for missions?  There are so many methods out there, but I just want to be faithful to what God wants.  But, I was brought to Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 2:1-2 :

And when I came to you, bretheren, I did not come with superiority

of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God.

For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified.

Paul's greatest concern wasn't a method or a strategy, because he knew those things could change and, most likely, would change.  But, the one thing he did seek--Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

He wanted to know the complete covering of Jesus' blood for him and for those to whom he was preaching.

He wanted to know the power of the resurrection, that conquered sin and death and gave him something to tell people and gave him the enabling power to tell them.

I believe that God gives us creativity and grace to think and plan and prepare for strategically extending the reach of the gospel to the ends of the earth.  He doesn't just lay out a "method" because He's created us to function and be effective in a variety of ways--ways that reflect His creativity and ingenuity and His ability to pierce dark places with the light of the gospel in endless ways.  

I came back to Jesus' warning in Matthew 7:21-23

Not everyone who says to Me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven,

but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.  

Many will say to me on that day, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name,

and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?"

And then I will declare to them, "I never knew you; Depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.

Wow...this verse just pierces my heart every time I read it.  I can't imagine coming before the Lord one day, claiming all the good "things" I've done in His name and yet having him look me in the eyes and tell me, "Emily, you may have done amazing things, but none of them mattered because you didn't know Me."  

So, that's where I sit today.  I just want to know Him.  Because, unless I've sought to know Him and unless everything else in my life flows out of a love for Him, none of it matters.  HE is what I am bringing to the nations; not a method or a ground-breaking strategy.

Lord, help me to know You--intimately, completely, purely.  Help me to know the Jesus at the cross and all that it implies.  Help me to walk into the empty tomb with your disciples and walk out in the power of your resurrection.  

Bought with a Price

I have a confession to make, one that may come as a shock to some of you, seeing the adventure I've been on lately. Ready for it? ... I MISS CZECH.  So much it really truly hurts.  The team from my church just got back from serving in Czech and doing English camp with my beloved Cheb brothers and sisters.  It's amazing how much God can grow your heart to love a country and the people in that country in such a short amount of time.  The first time I ever even heard about Czech Republic was when my brother went in 2005.  In 2006, I went and I have never been the same since.  It ruined me in the best way possible.  I couldn't bear to look at the world in the same way.  It no longer became political lines and a painful reminder of Junior High geography class.  The world became a place that desperately needs the good news of Jesus Christ, a huge globe filled with beautiful reminders of the creativity of God in every language and culture and face.  And that was just the first trip.

Next was the feeling that this foreign country with a crazy language and weird Easter traditions was like home to me.  I didn't want to leave, and when I did I couldn't wait to go back.  I could no longer walk through any public place without stalking someone who seemed to be speaking any sort of a Slavic language, hoping that it happened to be Czech and I could tell them how much I loved their country.  And then the confusion of where I belonged in this huge world.  And the painful yet hopeful reminder that I don't--anywhere.  That the One who is holding all these countries and people in his hand has created me for another world.

Then there was living in a new country, yet the one that had become so familiar to me.  There was trekking through snow and missing trains and always feeling a little out of place and confused; there was lives being transformed by the power of the gospel for the very first time, and lives that were being refined by that same power in new ways; calling people "mom" and "dad' that I had known only a few years, but being so loved and cared for by them that I had no other name to refer to them by.

Then there was the part I wasn't expecting or ready for in the least bit--letting go of all of those things: the comfort level I felt in a foreign place, the people that had become so much more than just a picture on a postcard or a statistic, and every conversation and memory I had with them--and I wasn't quite sure what letting go meant.  There was the realization that all of the things that I had prayed for and desired for the beautiful people I love so deeply were happening--growth was happening, believers felt the burden to reach their own people, discipleship continued, God was purifying His Church there.   Along with it came the pride that didn't want to admit that God was doing all of it without me.

But, I felt like Abraham--is He just asking me to let go to test me and see if I'll obey?  Or is he, like Abraham, asking me to give it all up and follow Him to a land I don't know?

Well, though God has continued to direct me to other places, I don't like to look at it as "letting go" of all of those things, because that implies a sense of loss.  I haven't "lost" those things--they are irreplaceable.  The lessons that I learned in Czech will be with me for the rest of my life and can never be forgotten.  The people that I have walked alongside of since my first summer there are people I will never forget.  They changed my life, just by watching theirs.

It's hard for me to believe that it's possible for me to ever love a country and a group of people as much as I love Czech Republic and the people there.  But, I know that God is capable of doing that.  He's the One that enabled me to love the people of Czech.  But, even if that deep sense of love and affection never comes, He brings me back to this simple realization: He has not called me to a place; He has called me to Himself.  That never changes.  But, with that calling comes this truth: "You are not your own, for you were bought with a price." (1 Corinthians 6:19)  I am His, I have been bought with His blood, and that means that I follow Him wherever He leads--even if it's away from where I so badly want to be.   

Saving Power

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes."  Romans 1:16

I saw the truth of this verse on the train last week.  I was sitting on a train ride from Plzen to Cheb, where I will be traveling every weekend.  I was still adjusting to life in Czech, trying to let the reality that I was really here sink in deep into my heart. I was listening to a Francis Chan sermon about courage in Spiritual things, not merely physical things.  One of the specific things he mentioned was boldness in sharing the gospel.  I was sitting on the train in a cabin with 5 other women.  All but one got off at the same stop, leaving only one other woman and myself.  I turned off my iPod, answered a phone call from my friend, and sat there in silence with the woman.  

I could tell that her ears perked up when she heard me speaking in English.  So, I began conversation with her.  She assured me that her Czech wasn't good and it was okay to speak English.  I assured her that I didn't speak Czech anyways, and we began talking.  

She explained where she was going, where she was coming from, and what she did for a living.  She was from Germany, working in Austria, and heading back to Germany for the weekend.  She then began to ask me questions about why I was here.  She was surprised to learn that I was an American and was very interested to know why I would leave my family and be away from home for so long by myself.  So, I was glad to tell her. :)

You know those conversations where you immediately know that God is opening a door for the gospel?  This was definitely one of those.  It didn't take but 5 minutes for me to know (especially since I had just finished listening to a sermon on boldness) that God had placed this woman and I together on the train for a reason.  

The conversation quickly became focused on religion and each of our beliefs.  She believed that we can each find our own path to God.  That the mormon is just as right about what they believe as the Buddhist and the Catholic.  She then asked me if I believed the same.  "I don't believe that...but here's what I believe."  

I explained what sets "Christianity" apart from every other "religion" : Jesus Christ.  I explained that all other religions are so focused on human effort and striving, but that if Jesus Christ is who He says He is and did what He said He did, then no effort on my part is "good enough" for me to earn my salvation. Jesus Christ is our only hope for salvation and freedom from our sin. I don't really remember everything I said in that conversation, but it was so clear that God was speaking through me to share His truth with my new friend.  She asked about my experience with following Christ, when I made the decision to have a relationship with Him, and how I kept believing even when I didn't understand some things.  I shared with her the tangible difference that Christ has made in my life, the evidence that the Holy Spirit was living and working in me.

Tears began rolling down her face.  "I want to believe.  Some days I do, some days I don't.  Why?  Do you know why?  Why can't I just believe?"  

I shared with her that even the disciples, who walked with Jesus, saw His power firsthand--even they had moments of doubt and disbelief.  But I told her to pray--as the father did who wanted his son to be healed--"I believe, help me in my unbelief."  I told her that even those who do have a relationship with Christ have moments of doubt or confusion--but, we the Holy Spirit assures us of who we are in Christ.  So, I told her to pray.  Pray that God would give her the belief she can't have on her own.  Pray that He would make all those doubts be cleared so she can see with new eyes.  

And then, our train came to a halt.  She had to catch the next train on to Germany.  I had to meet my friends who were waiting for me.  So, we exchanged emails.  She wanted to continue the conversation and even wanted to know if there was some way we could meet together.  

This is why I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  There is no better news.  What could be more liberating and life-giving than knowing that your sins are paid for and that you no longer stand before a perfect and holy God condemned, but forgiven?  It is the power of God for salvation.  God's power was working in this woman's heart to speak a truth to her heart that she had never heard before.  

Please keep praying for my friend.  Pray that the Holy Spirit would continue to work in her heart.  Pray that I would be faithful in maintaining this friendship and that she would see Jesus Christ in me.  

Completely Unashamed,

Emily