On verses I don't like & putting beauty in its rightful place

A friend and I talked about how strange blogs are.  It's like a journal entry, but one that the whole world has the liberty to read.  With that being said, this will be one of my more "intimate" posts.  Prepare to get a glimpse into depths of my soul that very few know. I am sharing these thoughts because I am pretty sure I'm not alone in this.  And I think most women have some dimension of this in their life.  So here goes...

Wanna know some of my least favorite verses in the Bible?

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

"Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:4

Before you dismiss me as a heretic for disliking these verses, let me explain.

First of all, I have these verses memorized and I have since high school.  I didn't say they lack value or are somehow less God-inspired than other verses.  I just have a really hard time agreeing with them.  I mean...it's good in theory, right? 

Wow, God looks more at my heart than what size of pants I fit into?  And fearing the Lord is of more value than charm and beauty?  That's actually really good news for us as women. 

The problem is that we live in a world that stands absolutely antithetical to these verses.  When a teenage girl is struggling with her identity and value, we can't just prescribe her some "it's your heart that matters" and send her into a world that tells her the exact opposite.  AND, there are some women who break the mold of these verses completely.

We feel great talking about inner beauty until a girl walks in who is stunning on the outside--perfectly toned arms, beautiful skin, a glowing smile, on and on--AND has this amazing heart for Jesus.

My response?

"Really, Lord?  If beauty is all about the heart, PLEASE tell me why you made some girls so incredibly beautiful.  I mean have they EVER struggled with feeling inferior and unlovely and worthless?!"

There you have it.  That's the honest truth.  Those are my thoughts in those moments.  It seems that those verses lose ALL their weight for me in those moments. 

I've struggled with those thoughts for as long as I can remember. And I'm pretty sure most girls have, even the ones who seem--from every appearance--perfect.    

Part of my frustration with those verses is that I want to be liberated by them.  I desire to live like I really believe that it's true--that the cultivation of my heart is of infinitely more value than how I look.  And there's been moments in the past couple of months where I've just wanted to know why my head and my heart just can't seem to connect on these verses.

I've given up trying to understand why God created some girls so stunningly beautiful without any effort while others struggle to find one good quality every time they look at a mirror.  Yes, He has created each one of us unique and valuable in our own way.  But, at the heart of it, sometimes those responses fall fatally short.  And, in all honesty, I don't think there's an easy answer for those questions. 

But....

I think there are 2 things that are essential for us as women if we are to move on from here and not get eaten alive by the lies the culture, our own minds, and the Enemy throw at us about what beauty is and what it isn't.

The first is simple, but it's essential.  Fix your eyes on Jesus.  Why?  Because He's all that matters.  The closer you get to HIS heart, the less you'll be consumed with YOUR physical appearance.  It's crazy what our appearance-driven society has done to us.  Somehow, we've bought into the lie that even Jesus was this blue-eyed, feather-haired, chiseled model who just happened to be God and love people and change the world.  And now that you know some of my least favorite verses, I'll share with you one of my favorites:

....he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

Isaiah 53:2 

Wait--you mean Jesus wasn't an Abercrombie model with long, flowy hair?  You mean, he didn't turn heads when He walked into a room because of how good-looking He was? 

Well, that's what the Bible says about Him.  And if Jesus is the Son of God and didn't have an external appearance that stunned the world, why do we expect to?  Why do we place such value on that, when our King wasn't even desirable?

You can be sure that Jesus did turn heads when He walked into a room.  And it was for reasons that were so much more valuable and powerful than his external appearance--He was showing people what God was like--even the beauty of God--and He didn't need physical attractiveness to do that.  Think about that.  There are so many implications wrapped up in that.  And so much freedom.  We've been given the same Spirit that dwelt within Jesus (Romans 8:11) and therefore have the same power to turn heads for the right reasons. 

Secondly, we have got to stop comparing ourselves to one another.  We're destroying ourselves and one another in the process.  Fight that temptation with everything in you.  Yes, it's hard for us as women to get around those thoughts.  But, think back to that Spirit that's within you--He raised Christ from the dead.  And He can resurrect your heart to love other girls more than you criticize and compare.

So...think about it....We have been set free to be vessels of beauty the way our Creator always intended for us to be.  Let's live like it. 

*My friend said some things about this in her blog that I love.  You should check it out.

Eternally Engaged

"All that is not eternal is eternally useless." 

CS Lewis

I wonder how different my life would look if I truly believed those words.  To think that there are energies I am devoting myself to that matter nothing for eternity breaks my heart. I'm sure it breaks the heart of the Father even more.  How He must watch the activities I engage in on a daily basis that further my kingdom instead of His, with a sadness for all that I am missing.  

Because it's really me that's missing something--not Him.  His Kingdom is still going forth with just as much force and validity and power as ever, I'm just the one who has stepped out of the march to pursue worthless things.  And I'm the one missing the power that is ushering forth His Kingdom.

For the Kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power.

(1 Corinthians 4:20)

Dead men are raised to life. Blind see. Deaf hear. The crippled walk.  Good news is preached to all.  Lives are changed. Orphans are introduced to the Father of the fatherless. Broken people are restored. 

And really?  All that power and I'd rather spend my time doing frivolous things?   Or worse--I'd rather think that I'm engaged in the beauty of the Kingdom by merely talking about it all the time?  

There's so much more to the Kingdom to that.  And I want to see it.  To hear it, to reach out and touch it.  

And there's so many areas where the Kingdom needs to be preached.  Places where the depth of darkness seems unbearable.  

Sex-trafficking. 

Underdeveloped countries without clean water. 

Orphans with no hope and no future. 

People who don't know from where their next meal will come. 

Those completely isolated from hearing the Good News of Jesus Christ. 

My neighbors who think this life is all there is.

All these opportunities, waiting for the power of the Kingdom to come and overwhelm them.  The keys to which I hold in my hand.  And so often I choose the lesser things.  Things that are eternally useless. 

But the most amazing thing to me is that He knew that I would do that.  He knew that when He chose to use imperfect people to bring forth His Kingdom here on earth, that we would often neglect the most important thing.  That we would chose things that don't matter over the only thing that really matters. And yet, He still chose us to be the means He would use.  

So...yes I am the one who is missing out when I choose the things of this world over things of eternal significance.  But, there's grace to cover those attitudes of apathy and a God who uses the weak and foolish of the world to display His strength and wisdom.  And that God has invited me to be part of the great Rescue Mission that He is carrying out. It's the greatest rescue ever carried out and victory is already secured. 

So, I am left with this choice--give away my life to gain it?  Or gain the whole world and forfeit my soul? 

What Half a Life of Parkinson's Disease has taught me about God

I still remember the many dark, tear-filled nights of confusion and despair.  At 12 years old, I didn't understand what the announcement really meant.  I just knew it wasn't good and that somehow it changed life as I knew it, forever.

I was in Junior High, an already awkward phase of life.  There was many things I didn't understand at the time--like boys, friendships, algebra, the way my body was changing. With the addition of my 4 cousins and aunt, we had 5 extra people living under the same roof .  My favorite dog and beloved pony both died.  And now this.  This news that kept haunting me, though I didn't even fully understand what it meant.

"Your mother has Parkinson's Disease."  My dad's calm tone helped ease the sting, but only slightly.

I knew something wasn't right over the past few months.  My mom just wasn't herself.  And now doctors and second opinions had affirmed the news that months of speculation had feared.

This year marks 12 years since my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's and thus means my mom has had the disease for half of my life.  I've known my mom with Parkinson's as long as I knew her without.   And, since the early years of life aren't remembered very clearly, it's safe to say that she has had Parkinson's in the majority of my memories with her.

When I think about that year in my life, a dark and gloomy cloud still hangs over most of what I remember.  And yet, in the years since then, streams of sunlight have broken through as I can trace God's faithful hand over each and every detail.  Through Parkinson's Disease, He has taught me lessons that I'm not sure I could learn any other way.  I still wish that my mom didn't have to go through what she does every single day; but, it's what God has chosen for her and for our family, so we accept it--even if it's sometimes through tears. Here are some of the lessons He's taught me:

1)  He is all I have. As a junior higher, everything around me was changing and nothing was reliable.  My mom was the most sure and constant thing in my life.  Or so I thought.  She was there every morning when I woke up and every day when I came home.  She was the only person I told everything and was the shoulder to cry on when my friends let me down or when I didn't do well on a test.  Yet, she was still human.  God used her being diagnosed with Parkinson's to show me that He alone needed to be my refuge and hope and sure foundation.  The news rocked my world in such a real way, mostly because it reminded me that my mom wouldn't last forever.  She couldn't meet my every need; she was never meant to.  Only the God of the universe could do that; and He had stepped into a broken world to be everything I would ever need. 

2) There is more. This world is broken and it's passing away.  Seeing the frailty of my mom's previously healthy and strong body caused me to look forward to the hope of new bodies in heaven.  And more than new bodies, the new life that awaits us; a life without brokenness and disease and all the damaging effects of sin.  I long for that day for my mom.  I long for that day for all of humanity.  The day when we will know fully what we were created for; that which sin stole in the Garden, that which God became man to win back for us. And somehow, it will be even more beautiful for having once been so broken.  Knowing what life in perfect unity with God is like will be understood so much more richly for having once been a stranger to that unity.  When my mom has a renewed body, she will appreciate it so much more for once walking in a body tormented by disease. 

3) Life is a vapor. Though it's true with or without Parkinson's, the disease is a reminder that I don't know how long I will have my mom.  The thought of not having her here on my wedding day or to meet my kids someday frightens me.  But, I am not called to worry about those things.  She is here today.  And none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  I have learned to embrace the today that I have with my mom and with others and to see each moment that is given from the hand of God as an undeserved gift.

4) He teaches through affliction what we cannot learn through mercies.  I was first confronted with this idea in an Ann Judson biography.  There are things that I truly cannot learn apart from pain and affliction.  For example, I have experienced the comfort of God in ways that I never could have experienced without the pain of Parkinson's disease.  I have experienced an aching for heaven that I would never know without the discomfort the disease has brought.  I have grown to love and cling to the promises of God in ways that I never would have without being desperate for them.

5) He is compassionate and merciful.  James 5:11 has become a favorite verse of me over the past couple of years.  It says that in the story of Job, we see the purpose of the Lord--that He is compassionate and merciful.   When I first read it, I was just confused.  I could think of a million other adjectives to describe God's purpose through Job's story before the words "compassionate" and "merciful" would come to mind.  But, as I've reflected on this journey our family has taken with Parkinson's Disease, I have come to understand the purpose of the Lord in deeper ways, ways that point so powerfully to His compassion and mercy.  He is compassionate and merciful to bring us to a place of groaning in these earthly tents so that we're always longing for Home.  He is compassionate and merciful to allow us to walk through pain so that we can share with Him in His suffering.  He is compassionate and merciful to let us experience discomfort so that we can know the depth of comfort that He alone can offer us.  He is compassionate and merciful to look past our desperate groaning to be removed from our difficult circumstances, knowing that He is producing in us something infinitely more valuable than we could ever imagine--becoming more like Him.  He sees our pain, He bears it with us, and yet He allows it to continue because His ultimate goal for us is our holiness, not our momentary happiness. What a compassionate and merciful God.

God is writing a beautiful story that started before the foundation of the world and will continue for all eternity.  And He uses every hurt and pain and disappointment for the good of His ultimate purpose.  Parkinson's Disease isn't outside of His control.  It's part of His plan, not just for my mom and our family, but for the bigger story He's writing--the story of redeeming the world that has been broken by sin.  One day, Parkinson's disease will be no more.  One day, the tears that this disease and so many others have caused will be wiped away, forever.  One day, it will all be made right.  And the memories of all this earthly pain will serve as a reminder of just how much Christ won for us on the cross.  And we will worship Him forever because of it.

2012

When I read this prayer, I cried.  It resonated so deeply within my heart. 

That I can recall, I have never had a more difficult year as a whole than 2011.  The year brought some of the deepest hurts I have ever experienced. 

I watched my sister walk through losing her best friend.

I watched as Mary, who had become like family to us, struggled with a very aggressive cancer that showed no mercy. 

I walked alongside two young boys as they struggled through the months immediately following their mom's death.

I watched close friends walk through their most heart-wrenching circumstances in life to date. 

I walked through months and months of unending conflict with another believer, the deepest and most draining conflict I have ever been in with another believer (or with anyone for that matter). 

I moved multiple times, changed jobs a few times, messed up a lot.

All this to say, 2011 was excruciatingly difficult. 

But, I also experienced some of the deepest joys I have ever known as I saw the Lord powerfully make Himself known in the darkest moments of this year. 

I experienced the comfort of the Lord in ways I have never known before.

But, if I were to sum up this year with one word, one lesson, one truth, it would be this:

Grace. 

I understood the grace of the Lord in deeper and more profound ways than I have ever known.  Over and over again this year, I realized how frail I am.  How sinful I am.  How often I let people down.  How impossible it is for me to do any of it on my own.  And I saw His strong, yet kind hand lift me up again and again, reminding me that I don't stand in what I do or don't do; I stand only in what He has already done on my behalf.   

It is finished. 

There is an abundance of grace. And that's good  news for me, because I need it every moment of every day.   

The temptation for me in starting a new year is to think that because of a change in the date on the calendar, I can suddenly be a new person overnight (literally).  I can make lists and lists of all the things I want to change and do better this year, and can hold on to the hope that this year will be easier.

But, if that were the case, then I missed the point of it all.  The last 12 months of tears and frustration and impatience and hurt and grief would all be wasted if I really believed that I can change myself and that a life free of uncomfortable things is somehow better. 

The reality is that though there were plenty of resolutions that I did not keep from the start of 2011 to now, there is one thing that I did grow in: I think I understand the gospel more deeply, simply because I've needed it and clung to it in new ways. 

So....I will make goals and plans for this year and seek to grow and improve.  But, none of that can be done apart from grace.  Because, I am going to fail in many all of those well-intended goals.  I will need his grace in ways this year that will be new and different than the ways in which I needed it last year.  But that grace and the God who extends it are the same this year as they were last year.  And He knows who He wants me to be at the end of 2012 and what it will take to get me to that place.  If it is through more tears and trials and disappointment, I will gladly accept that because I know His grace will be there to meet me.  I know He will be there in those moments.  And He is what I want more than anything else in this world. 

So, I have goals and plans for growth this year.  But, more than a more organized schedule or a neater room, I just want to know Him more.  I want to abide in Him.  I want to be changed by Him.  I want to say, at the end of 2012, that I have been given a more clear picture of the gospel and a deeper understanding of what it means for today, right now. 

I think this needs a frame in my house

Remember that you have only one soul; 

that you have only one death to die; 

that you have only one life, which is short and has to be lived by you alone; 

and that there is only one glory, which is eternal.  

If you do this, there will be many things about which you care nothing.

-Teresa of Avila

(as quoted in "No Longer a Slumdog")

 

My easily-distracted heart and mind really needed to read that.  And, knowing how prone I am to quickly forget the only things that really matter, I think I need to frame it and put it some place where I can read it often. 

The Jesus Storybook Bible

The intended ages for the book is 4-7....but I have been completely engrossed in it the past few days. I love the way it is written and how it can make me excited to find out what happens next even though I already know the story. It's imaginative and creative and makes my heart race in the same way that reading about Aslan in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe does (And, not to mention--the artwork is beautiful!).  It tells the full story of redemption from the Fall in the garden of Eden to the second coming of Jesus when He makes everything right again.  The entire Bible is told as one big Story where each individual part--from Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac to the parting of the Red Sea--is told in a way that points to Jesus and talks of the "Great Rescue Plan" that is being carried out and how all of these accounts are just foreshadows of what is to come in Jesus. 

Here's a little taste of why I love it so much.  This is an excerpt from Jesus' calling of the 12 disciples, starting off right after he left the temptation in the wilderness:

Jesus left the desert and set about the Great Rescue.  He was going to get God's people back.

But first he needed to find some helpers and friends.  He had a lot to do.

He would need some people to help him.  

Who would make good helpers, do you think? 

Clever ones? Rich ones? Strong, important ones? 

Some people might think so, but I'm sure by now you don't need me to tell you they'd be wrong.  

Because the people God uses don't have to know a lot of things, or have a lot of things--

they just have to need him a lot.

One day, Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee when he saw some brothers & friends

mending their nets.  They were poor fishermen.

Jesus called out to them, "Let's go!"

Peter, Andrew, James and John looked up at this man on the shore.

And they couldn't explain it: their boats needed to be put away, 

their nets needed mending, fish were still wriggling on the shore. 

But something about this stranger made them just drop their nets and their fish, 

leave their boats--and everything--and follow him.

This God-Man was like no one they had ever met.  When they looked at Jesus,

their hearts filled up with a wonderful, forever sort of happiness 

and inside it was as if they were running free in an open field.

Jesus asked 12 men to be his helpers: Peter, Andrew, James and John,

Matthew Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, another James, Simon, Thaddaeus, and Judas.

Meeting Jesus would change all of them forever.

I am using it as inspiration for developing curriculum for teaching the 1st graders Bible.  But, I highly recommend it to everyone--whether you have kids or not!  It will awaken those adventurous parts of your heart and bring the Story of God's Redemptive Plan to life!  You can click here to buy it on Amazon.

The Household of God

I really hate disappointing people.  Regardless of how small or big the offense, I hate knowing that my actions, words, lack of action--whatever it may be--have let someone down.  I am also not a fan of conflict. (I almost put "hate" conflict, but I am learning to see it as opportunity for growth and change; it's not all bad when looked at it that way).

Anyways, when I find myself in conflict with someone, it is hard for me to think about anything else.

My mind and heart are distracted, my energy is drained, my effectiveness in any other area is significantly lessened.

As uncomfortable as those feelings are, I think they are important because they remind us that God doesn't desire for those broken relationships to remain as they are; He desires unity, peace, reconciliation.

I mean, just look at the cross.

Undoubtedly, that was all Jesus thought about in the weeks, days, moments leading up to His betrayal, arrest, and crucifixion.

Think for a moment about the people that Jesus had experienced "conflict" with leading up to the cross--Judas, Peter, the high priest, the soldiers, the people who spat on him and mocked him, on and on.

And what did Jesus do?

He died for them.  He asked that the Father would forgive them as they were right in the middle of beating him, humiliating him, denying him, breathing threats against him. 

He thought about how burdened his soul was, but He also knew what would be accomplished for all mankind.

Unity between Jew and Gentile.

Peace between God and Man and peace among men.

Reconciliation from what was broken and lost in the Garden of Eden. 

So, He drank the fullness of the cup.

And everything changed.

The way I approach conflict is completely different now because of Jesus, especially with other believers.

I don't have the option to leave things broken and messed up between brothers and sisters in Christ.  That doesn't mean we will always agree on every point.  But, if we both claim to love, follow and submit to Jesus Christ, that means we always have the means and the motivation to overcome whatever peace-squelching division exists between us.

Sadly, we all know that divisions still exist.  We have all seen the painful effects of broken relationships between believers. 

And yet, the Church is what God chose to reveal Himself and His character to the world.  He could have used any means.  And He chose the broken, messy, often-failed relationships between His people to be what would declare His love and what would mark His people as His disciples.

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples,

if you have love for one another."

John 13:35

And He even chose that the Church would be a display of His glory from the foundation of the world. 

"...through the Church the manifold wisdom

of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities

in the heavenly places.  This was according to the eternal purpose that he

has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Ephesians 3:10-11

But, maybe that's the whole point after all.

Maybe the fact that we are broken and messy and often divided would show His glory and power and love even more.  That we serve a God who uses brokenness for beauty, pain for purpose, division for divine reasons continually leaves me stunned. But, in Him using broken people to march forth His Kingdom, He receives much glory. And when He restores a broken relationship through the Cross, His power is clearly seen. 

He's building a household of Jews, Gentiles, slaves, free, men, women--all on the foundation of Jesus Christ--the only foundation upon which all peoples find unity and a common place to stand.  He's shaping each of us, chiseling away our anger and hatred and selfishness, so that we might come together as His household.  One that, while imperfect, points undeniably to the Savior who fixes broken things and in which God Himself might dwell.  

"You are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit." Ephesians 2:19-22

Loving God with all my Mind

Found this prayer on Paul Tripp's blog.  If you haven't, you really should get acquainted with his writing.  He has a seriously unique and God-given gift of making theology completely, 100% practical. Here's just a taste of that:

 

I know I should watch my meditation.
It is important to guard my thoughts.
It is a battle to not be taken captive.
It's hard to think after you.
There are so many things that compete
for my thoughts,
so many things that call after my desires.
It really is war, fought in the neighborhoods
of my mind.
"If only" commands too much of
my meditation.
"I wish" controls too much of
my thoughts.
"I need" fights for
control.
It is so easy in the midst
of it all to forget
the one thing I was created
to remember:
You.
I now confess
it is so easy to lose sight of
Your presence
Your power
Your kingdom
Your glory
Your plan
Your grace.
In my right mind I know that
forgetting is the
first step in losing
my way.
So, I humbly ask once again,
O, Spirit of wisdom and grace,
please empower me to
meditate on You,
please enable me to fight
distraction.
Please deliver me from the
one thing I cannot escape:
my fickle heart.
So that everything
I do would bear the mark of
remembering You.

Detached

That is how I feel right now.

Separate. Disconnected. Removed.

Some people thrive off of time alone. While I do need that alone time to recharge every once in a while, I am most often recharged being around people.

I am an external processor--which is hard to do by yourself.

Absolute quiet makes me want to go crazy, while being around the chaos of kids or family fills my heart.

All this to say, I'm what most would call a "people person."

Since March, I have been living by myself. Well, with 2 cats--but we all know that doesn't count, right? (Yes, I've become the infamous "single woman with all her cats" at the age of 23).

There are no other people. Nobody to talk to about my day or hear about theirs. Nobody to cook dinner for or bake cookies for. And after 6 months of living alone, I realize how much I really don't like it.

Having lived with roommates or other families or in various homes in the Czech Republic and everywhere in between, I was ready for a "break" to have my own space. So, when this opportunity came up to live in this home by myself, I thought it was ideal. And, it has been a huge blessing in many ways.

But, there's something missing in not having people around. As hard as it was to share a room with another girl (or 2 or 3), there's something refreshing about it (and it makes you clean out your closet a whole lot more than usual). I try to have people over as often as possible, but it's just not the same as having another presence right here in the house.

More than anything, I miss the fellowship that being around others brings. God created us to live in community. It's what He uses to refine us, encourage us, challenge us, humble us, and most importantly, make us more like Jesus Christ.

I would venture to say that nearly every command in Scripture given to us involves other people, or at the very least is best implemented in our dealings with others.   For example--being kind or patient or humble is easy when we are not accountable to anyone and are not affecting anyone in our unkindness, impatience or pride. It is so easy to become quickly deceived about who I am when it's just me, myself and I. And in this sense, it is far too easy to begin to think that I am kind or patient or humble when I am alone.

Because, after all...Who's going to tell me I'm wrong?

So, all this rambling has no purpose other than being reminded of and thankful for the way that our Creator has made us--for relationship. Yes, it gets messy at times and often feels like it's not worth the trouble. But, let me tell you--as one who has been walking likely the most "detached from relationships" path I have ever walked in my short life--it is worth it for what it produces in and through us. And it is the means that our Creator has wisely chosen to mold us into His likeness.

For me in this season, He's molding this people-person type of girl using the opposite means--by being alone more than I'd ever wish to be.  I'm learning how to be okay with the quiet and how to make the most of those moments between just the Lord and me.  I'm learning to choose to be refreshed by spending time in His Word and in fellowship with Him rather than always surrounding myself with people.  Because the beautiful thing about God is that He always has so much more for us--more to learn about Him, others and ourselves; more to taste and see and experience of Him.  So, while He created us to live in community and be in relationship with others, He also created us to only be completely satisfied in relationship with Him.  Those relationships are meant to point us to more of Him and His nature.  They are means to the most glorious end--knowing and loving our great God.  

What we need to know on days like today....

What Remains True after 6 months of Grieving

Today marks 6 months since Mary passed away.  6 months since she entered the presence of God.  Thinking about it in those terms seems so much sweeter.

For us, it's been 6 months of stumbling through each day, crying in the moments where it seems too hard to bear, trying to figure out how to pick up from here with her gone.

But, for her....every day, she is amazed again as she sees before her very eyes the God of the universe.  Every moment, her heart is filled with inexpressible joy as she stands in the presence of her Savior.  Her faith has become sight and she is well.  She's been there 6 whole months and nothing about it is "getting old."  Nothing about it seems too familiar to be amazed.  She's never once wished she could come back to earth, even on the days we'd give anything to have her back.

Her kids started a new school year this week without their mom.  I really cannot imagine what that is like--back to school shopping without mom, new teachers and friends without mom, another season of life without mom.  My heart truly hurts for those boys.

But, I have to cling to this hope in the midst of it: there is more.  There is more than what is seen, more than the pain that lingers and weighs heavily even after 6 months, more than 2 kids trying to get by without their mom.  There is a God who loves those boys more than any person ever could--even Mary. He is still on His throne and He's pointing us to our Home beyond this earth.

I think if Mary could talk to us on days like today--ones where we relive every painful, nightmarish moment leading up to her leaving this earth; ones where we are reminded that this isn't just going to "go away"--she'd say something like this:  It's going to be okay.  I know it hurts and I know that you wish you could change things or somehow see the end of this story.  But, please know that this God is everything He says He is.  He really does love His children more than you could ever imagine and He really does work all things together for good in the end.  Don't give up.  It's worth every second of pain and suffering when you see what He's prepared for those who love Him, when you see Him.  

So, that hope gets me through days like today.  I know it will be worth it in the end--for her boys, for her sisters, for her friends, for every single person affected by this, and for the sake of the Kingdom for all eternity.  It isn't just "okay" or "tolerable."  It is best.  And even after 6 months of wrestling through questions and coming up short on answers, I still believe that with all of my heart.  Mary not only believes that from a distance, but sees it day in and day out.  And someday we will too. I don't know exactly what that day will be like.  But, I imagine it will be something like what Steven Curtis Chapman says:

Though this first taste is bitter

There will be sweetness forever

When we finally taste and see

That Our God is in control

And we’ll sing

Holy Holy Holy is in our God

And we will finally really understand what it means

So we’ll sing

Holy Holy Holy is our God

While we’re waiting for that day

Sorrowful Rejoicing

The reality of the broken world in which we live has been increasingly evident to me the past few weeks.  In fact, it seems that the older I get, the more I see the fallen state of this world.

I hear more and more stories of pain and suffering and death and disease in the lives of others; stories that simply make no sense and realities that are hard to swallow.

News reports become more grotesque and hard to believe (i.e. the story of what has happened in Norway recently).

I see the damaging effects of sin in relationships and the extent of sin that is present in people (myself included).

I know many who are in blatant sin and rebellion and completely blinded to their selfishness and I know even more (again, myself included) who are trying to call people out of that sin and rebellion and selfishness to no avail. 

Even as I write this, I am holding back tears that have seemed to be more readily flowing lately.  These instances just keep pouring in.  Life is just really difficult sometimes.

And yet, in the midst of all of this, I am realizing that the older I get, the more I long for my Home.  These stories point me to the reality of eternity in ways that nothing else can.

I ache for the day when all these wrongs will be made right.

I cling to the hope that someday, pain will be erased and joy will be complete, perfect, and unending.  

And so, in the midst of the pain and discomfort and sorrow, I rejoice.

I rejoice because the things of this world are not ultimate. They are fleeting.  They will soon pass and will usher in an inexpressible beauty and peace that can't even be imagined this side of heaven.  And if I didn't feel the results of sin in such a real and present sense here on earth, I wonder that I would be able to fully love and appreciate and delight in what awaits.

I am realizing that maybe those things which are the most painful to bear, the most disheartening, are the very things that my Savior uses to remind me of all that He has won for all of eternity.  They are the ever-present reminders that there is something more.

 And so, these things become not just burdens to bear, but the very things in which I rejoice. They remind me that though I live in this world at present, my citizenship--my home--lies in the place I was created for, a place that will make every second of suffering more than worth it; a place that will make this very real and evident pain pale in comparison to the joy of eternity with our Savior that is set before us.

It's a sorrowful, beautiful, painful, devastating kind of rejoicing. And it's just another evidence of the great paradox those of us who are in Christ live in--who live in a broken and hurting world, and yet who live for an eternal and perfect Kingdom and the King who is still on His throne in the midst of it all.

"We are...as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything. " 2 Corinthians 6:10

Ava

I just have to share this picture of my niece Ava.  This was her on Easter Sunday.  It also happened to be her birthday the same day.  She was one happy little princess.  She put her hello kitty rainboots on to go on her Easter egg hunt.  No time for strapping on her pretty little sandals!

I really love being an aunt.  I've talked about that before here (though quite out-dated, the reasons why I love them is still the same).  One of the reasons I love it so much is that I get to see them grow up and see their little minds wrap around the idea of a big God who loves them.  I love seeing it through their eyes; it's all so much more simple. Ava is 4 and is asking lots of questions about Jesus lately.  I love them all. Sometimes it's good to get back to the basics.

He loves me.

He made me.

I can talk to Him anytime I want.

Those are the lessons Ava is learning for the very first time.  And they are lessons I want to come back to often.

I pray that beautiful little Ava grows up to be a woman who loves God and seeks Him and finds her beauty in Him.  Until then, I love seeing the process as she begins to understand who He is.  And I love all that I am being reminded of in the process.     

Singleness

Do you want to be single forever?

I've been asked this question quite frequently lately, in one form or another.  It's a fair question.  I'm 23 years old, planning on moving overseas in the not-so-distant future, no prospective husbands in sight.  I mean, I attended a Christian college and graduated, no ring by Spring! So, I completely understand why the question is being asked.

The responses are different.  Some think I'm being too picky.  Some think I'm portraying myself as too independent and confident.  Some think it's just a matter of time.  There may be truth to all of those things to some degree. But, the real issue in my mind is that I believe that God has called me to go overseas and serve as a missionary.  The burden on my heart is heavy, the excitement and anticipation is growing.  And, I believe He's called me to that regardless of whether or not I have a man by my side.

When I first sat down with my missions' pastor to talk about my desire for missions, one of the first questions he asked was, "Are you willing to go as a single woman and take on all that it implies?"  It was a very important question, for many reasons. 

One is that moving overseas as a single woman significantly lowers the number of male suitors.  I just read an article today stating that single women on the mission field outnumber men 4 to 1!  Based on my experience, I would have to agree.  Of all the countries and missionaries I've visited, I can count on one hand the number of single missionary men I have met.  (And even some of them have since gotten married.)  Single women on the mission field though?  I would have to sit down and figure it out.  But, it's significantly more than men. 

The second reason my missions' pastor wanted me to figure out if this is really something I am fit to do is that being single on the mission field is a lonely place to be.  A new culture, new language, new food, loss of comfort and identity; those all add up to fear, frustration, struggle.  And if you are single, you don't have a spouse to share it with.  You may or may not have roommates.  You may or may not have a deep connection with your roommates.

So, what's the solution?

Well, here's what I believe to be my solution, for me personally.

God has called me to be obedient and faithful.  And I believe He's called me to go overseas, single or married.  I don't think He's called me to stay in America until I get married, and He hasn't called me to settle for marriage if it's to a man who doesn't have a heart for missions.  So, I have to come to terms with the fact that going overseas may mean that I never get married.

Honestly, I don't think that one is better than the other.  They are just different. (Although, Paul's argument in 1 Corinthians 7 does seem to point to one being better. But, that's a different discussion.)

As a single woman, I can devote all my time and energy to loving and serving the people group I am working with.  I can focus on language and culture-learning and still have time to build relationships.

As a married woman, my time and energy must first be devoted to loving and serving my husband and kids, and then to loving and serving the people we are working with.

As a single woman, I can proclaim the gospel in showing how fulfilling and satisfying Jesus Christ is.  I can show that He is enough.

As a married woman, our relationship will be a proclamation of the gospel in showing how Christ loves His Church. 

I'll be honest; I love being free and independent.  I love being spontaneous.  I love having time to myself.  I love the freedom I have for ministry and how much time I can pour into others. I know that in marriage, a lot of those things have to be surrendered, or at least changed drastically.

At the same time, I love cooking and baking and would love to be able to do those things for a husband someday.  I love kids and I would love to raise my own.  I love serving and helping and I would love to serve and help a husband.  Having a companion for life would be sweet.

I have enough married friends and enough single friends in their 30s to know that both singleness and marriage have unique blessings and struggles.  I also know that whether single or married, God has me there for a reason.  I do believe that He's big enough to provide a husband for me even if I move overseas, if that is what He wants. 

So, I don't know what the Lord has planned for me personally.  But, I know that whether single or married, my desire is to serve Him wholeheartedly.  I do know that for now, His plan for me is to be a single woman.  And His calling for me as a single woman is this:

"...The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit..." 1 Corinthians 7:34

Earnest Prayer for the Persecuted

 Yesterday I came across this verse in Acts 12:5

...So Peter was kept in prison, but earnest prayer

was made to God by the church....

How often do you think of other followers of Christ all over the world who are being daily tortured, beaten, murdered for the sake of the gospel?

Now, how often are you praying for them? 

I know that the answer for me is: little to never. And I'm ashamed of that.  Someday I am going to stand in the presence of these brothers and sisters, hearing their stories of how much they endured for the sake of Jesus Christ while I sat in the comfort and ease of America, neglecting to earnestly pray for them.

So, where do we begin?  What do we pray for?

Our first thought is to pray for the persecution to stop.  But, that's not what they want us to pray.

A few years ago, I had the privilege to be at a gathering of church leaders from all over the Middle East, Central Asia and North Africa--all home to some of the most persecuted believers in the world.  You would never know just by looking at their faces the torment and pain and fear that they face on a daily basis.  Without fail, each got up and asked for prayer for those they knew that were imprisoned or were facing death sentences. They asked for boldness and continued opportunities to share about Jesus.  What they never asked for was that the persecution would stop.  In fact, a man from Iran got up and said, "I know you'll be tempted to pray that we would be freed from persecution.  But, please do not pray for that.  Pray that persecution would continue, but that we would remain faithful in the midst of it and that God would use our suffering to advance the gospel."

What a stark contrast that is to our natural inclination to comfort and avoidance of anything even slightly painful. We have much to learn from their faith and perseverance.

Let us not neglect our brothers and sisters all over the world who, even now, are facing pain--even death--on account of Christ.  They need our earnest, consistent, bold prayers.  We serve the same God, no matter how great of a distance separates us. 

"...Keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak..." {Philippians 6.18-21}

*Voice of the Martyr's is a great tool to get started praying for persecuted brothers and sisters.  They have an e-newsletter you can sign up for and send out daily tweets about the persecuted Church.

Overwhelmed

Yesterday was one of those days in which I felt overwhelmed with life.  Sometimes it just hurts, ya know?  A family friend passed away and though she was 93 and headed to meet her Savior, it's never easy to say goodbye.  Poor little Nik cried himself to sleep because he missed his mommy.  Needless to say, it was a rough day.  One for the books.


Then today came.  It was an early morning, which are always difficult for me (I'm totally not a morning person!).  But, His mercies were new and they shone so very brightly into my weary and burdened heart.

Nik wanted to bring his Bible to school this morning and he read Scripture to me on the short drive to school.  His heart is hungering more and more after God's Word and my heart is more and more encouraged by it.

My parents and sister and I went down to UCLA for a doctor's appointment for my sweet mom who has Parkinson's Disease.  We were all faced with the painful reminder that it's a progressive disease, that her earthly body is never going to be perfectly "ok" again.  And yet, there we sat in the doctor's office, laughing, enjoying one another, uncertain of, but not fearful for the future.   

God reminded me through phone calls and texts from friends, time with family, worship music we listened to in the car, and His Word that He is good.  His kindness never ends.  He is faithful in every season.

He has promised in His Word that "goodness and mercy shall follow [literally pursue] me  all the days of my life." (Psalm 23:6)  And He has proven that promise moment by moment, day by day in more ways than I can ever hope to express. 

He pursued me to rescue my soul from death and He will continue to pursue me in goodness and mercy forever.  I can think of nothing more sweet.

Time

I find myself wrestling over and over again with the timing of the Lord.  In my human impatience and anxiety, I want to know now.  But, God doesn't seem to be as concerned with the timing as he is with the outcome.  He knows the number of days, minutes, seconds that are needed in the fulfillment of his purposes in my life.  He doesn't delay a single moment.  From where I sit today, there are quite a few circumstances in which I wish I could fast-forward 5, 10, 20 years and see the outcome.  But, from where He sits, the beginning and the end are clear and the process of getting from where I am today to where He wants me to be is one of waiting on Him.  He knows exactly how long it will take and the conditions along the way that will bring about the end result.


Here are some of my favorite verses lately about His perfect timing:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

 a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

 a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace....

He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8,11

When I look at each of the "times" that God has ordained, I am humbled.  Each of those seasons are part of His plan.  He doesn't want to skip over the season for weeping to get back to laughing again.  He doesn't want to start building up before the season for breaking down is over.  Each of those are beautiful in their own right, none more beautiful than the other.  There is always something that He has for me in each and every season He has planted me in and I don't want to skip over it just to get to the next season.  

Habakkuk also wrestled with the timing of the Lord and went to God often with His fear and desire for immediate justice.  "Come on, God.  This surely can't be what you have planned, everything just seems to be going bad all around me."  And then, God answers him, saying that his plan is good, but too good for Habakkuk to understand with his human mind from where he stands.  Habakkuk answers again, "Ok, Lord.  I get it.  You're good, your ways are beyond me....but, seriously, how long are you going to let this go on for?"  And, then God responds in this way:

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; 

it hastens to the end--it will not lie.  

If it seems slow, wait for it;

it will surely come; it will not delay.  

I love God's response.  He doesn't tell Habakkuk when His plan will be fulfilled or even how; just that it will be fulfilled and at exactly the right moment.  Habakkuk continues to wrestle with God, but finally comes to the conclusion that he still has so much to rejoice in because the goodness and faithfulness of God is still evident, even in seeming desolate seasons.

Finally, there is this little gem of a passage in Malachi 3:2-3

For He [the Lord] is like a refiner's fire and fullers' soap.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, 

and he will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver,

and they will bring offerings in righteousness to the Lord."

His goal is refining us until we are ready to come to Him with offerings of righteousness.  Wow.  What a wise and patient God.  A refiner sitting down, holding silver over a flame, watching all of the imperfections bleed out until the desired result is accomplished--that's what my Heavenly Father does with me.  He sees the beauty that is hidden underneath and is willing to sit next to the flame until that beauty comes through brilliantly; He knows exactly how long that will take and He sits there patiently until just the right moment. 

My Father understands time in a way that is so different than I do--and I love Him for it.  Just another proof of how worthy He is of my praise and adoration; He is so unlike me, so wise in all He does, so unlimited by minutes and hours and days and years.  So, like Habakkuk, I will rejoice in the Lord though I don't understand all of his ways.  I will look forward in anticipation to the revelation of His plan, but I will wait with quiet patience and joy because of who God is and what He's already done today.

Someday

It's just been one of those days.  You know, the ones where you wish you could just crawl back into bed, escape the world, pretend like reality isn't really what it seems, maybe shed a few tears in the middle of all that?

For those of you who don't know about my latest adventure, it's been the most....(for lack of a better word) mixed....experience of my life.  Devastating.  Hopeful.  Unspeakably difficult.  Incredibly rewarding. Exhausting. And even more emotions than I really know how to express.  Sometimes it's all of these emotions within the same 5 minutes.

I am the "nanny" for Mary's kids.  {For the record, I hate the word "nanny."  It sounds so impersonal to me. But, that's not what I'm here to write about.  Not today anyway. :) }

Every day, I look into the faces of two boys who just lost their mom.  Not a moment goes by that I don't think of Mary, miss her, and ache for eternity.  Most days, we go through our routine, the "new normal."  It's never easy.  But some days--like today--that pain is even deeper and more prevalent.  The Lord has been gracious and has proven faithful in giving me exactly what I need to face each day.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  But some days, the tears are harder to hold back than usual.  I mean, what do you say to a 7-year-old who is crying, saying "I miss mommy"?  How do you let a junior high boy know that it's okay to cry? 

I have so many questions.  Almost all of them are unanswered.  Why did Mary have to suffer as she did?  Why did she have to die so young with two kids who need her?  What does God have planned for her kids?  Who will they become and how is God going to use this in their story? Will it end with their hearts being bitter towards Him?  Or will they someday say, "God is enough.  He is good.  His plans for my life are good. I will follow Him to the very end."

Over and over again, God reminds me that these things take time.  I don't know what the end of this story looks like.  But I know it's not over.  And I have full confidence that all of it will not be wasted in the hands of a sovereign and loving God.  He has a purpose that cannot be thwarted and I have to believe that even when it's difficult to feel it.


The following lyrics are from Nichole Nordeman's song "Someday."  It's pretty much where I'm at right now:

I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there's still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it's the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I'm ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until

Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting
For someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can't help but wander
And dream about the other side of

Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting
For someday

Every puzzle's missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday

Today, I'm just waiting for Someday.  But I know it's coming.  That's the beauty of it all.  Because of  what Jesus has done on my behalf, I know that Someday is coming.  The day when I will see the fullness of God's plan.  The day when I will see clearly the end from the start.  The day when questions won't even matter anymore because I will be standing before Him, seeing just how good and beautiful He is.  My faith shall become sight and I won't have to fumble in the darkness of uncertainty any longer.  I long for that day with everything in me. If I didn't have the assurance that Someday was coming, I don't know how I could face today.  But the hope I have in knowing it's coming changes everything.

So...bring it on, temporary life!  You are quickly fading, but what awaits far outweighs every tear and seemingly unbearable moment.  You may have me for 70, 80, even 90 years, but Jesus has me for eternity. And all you can try to rob me of here can't take away what I already have in Him forever.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

What God has taught by Afflictions

The past few months/weeks/days have brought pain and joy, defeats and victories, and an overall sense of hopeful mourning that is difficult to describe.  But I want to try to put into words what this season of grieving has taught me because our gracious God has not wasted the pain.  Ann Judson said it well: "God has taught us by afflictions what we would not learn by mercies."  The lessons that I am learning (still in the present tense) couldn't be learned any other way.

First, Mary's death has brought me to a deeper level of worship before God; a level that is difficult to put into words.  It's this tension in my heart of hurting so badly that I want to scream, and yet in the midst of that, knowing that the God of the universe is wise enough to use this inexpressible pain for good.  Really, Lord?  You are wise enough to take away a young mom from her kids and have that be what is best?  He has brought me to the realization that when He does things that don't make sense to me--even if they're painful--He is even more worthy of praise because He is a God who can use even pain and suffering for good.  The deep assurance my heart has when I think about that is overwhelming; wow--that is the God that loves me and has pursued me and won my heart.  He is that mighty and good and wise.  He loves His children enough to see them go through heart-wrenching pain to accomplish His purposes in their lives.  And along with this, I have seen how vital it is to base my understanding of who God is in Scripture, not on circumstances.  If I were to try to describe God based on what's happening right now, I wouldn't believe that He is good and wise and loving; but, because I already know that He is those things based on what the unchanging Truth of his Word tells me, I am brought to an even deeper sense of worship because I know that He is who He says He is even in the midst of this life-shattering suffering.

Second, I have seen the comfort of God in ways that I never would have seen without the circumstances before me.  It's not merely the comfort that He's provided for my heart--though that has been evident--it is the comfort I've seen him bring to those hurting the most.  I've seen Him comfort Mary's kids and husband and my sister in ways that are inexpressible.  To sit next to a seven-year-old that has just lost his mom as he tells you that, yes it is painful and difficult, but that God has given him help to get through it is something that speaks volumes of God's character and faithfulness in ways that little else can.  I have seen 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 in more tangible ways than I could have ever imagined:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 

who comforts us in all our affliction,

so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, 

with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings,

so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

I love the last part of that passage--through Christ.  The only reason any of us are able to experience this comfort at all is because of the cross of Jesus Christ.  He suffered in the most brutal and horrific way imaginable so that when we experience suffering, we might be able to experience the most unimaginable comfort--a comfort that is directly from God himself; the God who created us and knows our hearts more intimately than we do comforts us in the ways we need it most during times when our hurt is greatest.

Finally, I can't express what a difference eternity makes; not only the promise that Mary is no longer hurting and is in the presence of her Savior, but the hope that this world isn't the end--there's a better, more perfect world to come where I can worship this good and worthy God free of sin, seeing Him clearly as He is, FOREVER.  Every single day as I look at Mary's kids, my heart breaks for them because their lives will never be the same; things will never get "back to normal."  Their mom isn't here and no matter how I look at it, that is difficult to swallow.  But, if I didn't have the promise of heaven and the knowledge that this life on earth is temporary, it would be impossible to move on from that point.  But, there is an end to the dark.  Heaven awaits.  And, as painful as this season is, I never want to lose this sense of desperation and urgency for eternity that has come through all of this.  Even if God grants me 90 years of life, my time here is a vapor compared to the eternal life in His presence that is to come.  And, as Mary's little seven-year-old prayed the other night, "Help me to go see Mommy in heaven soon," I want that to always be true; that no matter how much longer we are here on earth, the day when we meet our Savior face-to-face would seem "soon."    

Through afflictions, He's teaching me what I would never learn through mercies.  Does it still hurt?  More than I can express.  Would I rather learn these lessons some other way?  Absolutely.  Do I trust the wisdom and goodness of my Heavenly Father?  More deeply than I ever have before; I have no other option.  So, we cry and we grieve and we ache, but we have HOPE that runs deep and follow a God "with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." (James 1:17)  He is good and loving in ALL that He does and He is enough.            

The Speech I never wanted to give

Below is the tribute I gave at Mary's funeral service yesterday. I would never wish for that day to come when it did, but am thankful that I got to speak in honor of someone so dear. I'm continuing to pray for those that were present (myself included) that Ecclesiastes 7:1-2 would be true in our hearts and lives in the coming days and weeks; that this day where death has been placed before us, the living would lay it to heart.

To say that it’s difficult to find the words to describe Mary is a harsh understatement.  Not because I don’t have enough to say, but because I still can’t wrap my mind around talking about her in the past tense.  But, I want to do my best to honor a woman who meant so much to my family and me.

I met Mary in 2002.  Brenden was in my nephew Zach’s kindergarten class.  Mary and my sister quickly became best friends and along with that, our family quickly inherited a new sister and daughter.  She was at all of our family gatherings, birthday parties, and celebrations.  It’s hard to remember a time when she wasn’t part of our family.  I have so many sweet memories with Mary, but hands-down my favorite is when Mary entered our family in a new and even deeper sense—Mary accepted Jesus Christ as her personal Savior and entered the family of God. I still remember the phone call from Wendy, telling me the news.  We both cried, screamed, and jumped up and down, rejoicing with all of heaven that we had a new family member. Once she became our sister in Christ, our relationship with her was even sweeter, deeper and more full.

Mary wasted no time in growing deeper in her new relationship with God.  I remember so many conversations with her—asking how to read the Bible, how to overcome sin, how to share her faith with those around her, including her husband and kids so that they too could know the hope she had.  Once she committed her life to following Jesus Christ, there was no turning back.

Next came the phone call telling us that Butch had surrendered his life to Christ as well.  We were stunned at what God was doing in this family’s life and that we got to have a front row seat, watching it all unfold.

To say that it was all just a walk in the park from that point on would be a lie.  Butch, Mary and the kids still experienced difficulty and still had struggles.  What was different was that all those struggles now had a purpose and Butch and Mary had a solid rock and firm foundation to stand on in the midst of their difficulties.

When Nik was diagnosed with Diabetes, Mary admitted it was difficult, but without hesitation said, “Well, I’ve been praying for a way to get closer to God.  This isn’t what I was expecting, but it’s working!”

Next, came the news that none of us were expecting or could have ever been prepared for.  I still remember the exact place I was standing when I talked to Butch on the phone as he told me Mary was in the hospital and that the doctors had found a mass in her esophagus.  I didn’t know what to do other than sit by her side and cry with her.  The day it was confirmed to be cancer, I spent the day sitting next to Mary’s hospital bed, praying with her, crying with her, holding her hand.  Mary was in shock, but she hadn’t lost her sense of humor.  The Yankees were playing that day and they lost.  Without skipping a beat, Mary said with irritation, “The Yankees lost AND I have cancer?!  Will this day get any worse?”

That day was just the beginning of a painful journey that Mary and her family had to walk down.  I would be lying if I said I never questioned the wisdom of God in the process.  Nothing about it seemed fair or that any good could come from all the pain.  As I stand here today, I still have unanswered questions and no explanations as to why Mary had to experience what she did, or why her husband and kids have to pick up from here without her.  It hurts and is clouded with confusion, fear, and uncertainty.

But, there are a few things that I know to be true regardless of circumstances, and I am clinging to these promises with everything in me:

1) Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).  Though life has changed completely for Mary’s husband and kids, He has not changed.  He is constant and His promises sure.
2) His thoughts and ways are above ours.  Isaiah 55:8-9 says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Though we are taken by surprise, He is not.  Nothing happens outside His allowing it and even in these painful circumstances, He has a purpose and plan beyond what our limited minds can see or understand. He is still on his throne, reigning over all.
3) The moment Mary left this earth, she saw Jesus face to face.  He wiped every tear from her eyes and all earthly pain and suffering was erased.  For those who have come to Christ and accepted His forgiveness for sins, this eternal life with Him is a guarantee.
4) Mary has left her kids in the care of their Heavenly Father who loves them more than any of us ever could, even Mary.  He has promised that He will never leave or forsake them (Heb. 13:5) and He will meet their every need (Phil. 4:19)

My heart aches and the human part of me would do anything to have her back here.  But, I know she’s standing in the presence of her Creator and Savior and wouldn’t want to leave that place of indescribable beauty and perfect peace.  Someday, we’ll see her again and worship God with her.  But, until then, there are a few things I want to say to those for whom my heart is most burdened.

To Butch:  You don’t have to walk this alone.  Every person in this room is here as a support and comfort to you and the boys.  But, we will fail a time or two and that is why your Heavenly Father is holding your hand every step of the way, upholding you in a way none of us can.  Though it seems unbearable at times, He has promised to never give you more than you can handle and will give you supernatural strength when you feel most weak.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
To Brenden: I’ve watched you grow from a silly little Kindergartener to a mature young man who loves the Lord.  Keep seeking Him, running to Him with your fear and pain and know that you and Nik are just as much nephews to me as Zach. I think God has big plans for your life and I know that the unimaginable hurt you are feeling will not be wasted by Him.

To Nik: I still remember visiting the hospital when you were born and every time I’ve babysat you since.  I know you’re experiencing this hurt in a different way, but I’m praying you turn to Jesus to meet your every need, I know that’s what your mom wanted for you more than anything else.

To my sister Wendy: I know you’ve lost a friend in Mary that is irreplaceable.  I know your heart breaks as a mother.  I know it feels unbearable at times.  But, I know our God is big enough to mend your heart in time and I know He will use you to meet needs in the lives of Mary’s kids in ways that no one else can.  You have been a faithful and loving friend to Mary since day one.  God used you to bring Mary to Jesus Christ.  Without your influence in her life, this story would look entirely different.

To my nephew Zach: You have loved Brenden well.  You’ve cried with him, laughed with him and stood by his side as he’s faced the most difficult moments of his life.  The times I’ve had with you and Brenden in car rides to the hospital are times I will remember forever.  Brenden will need your friendship now more than ever and I can’t stop praising God enough for the maturity you both have for your young age.

To the rest of Mary’s friends and family:  I know you have all lost someone very dear to your heart, someone whose life changed yours.  I know that nothing would make Mary happier than to know that you will be with her again for eternity.  It’s never too late to admit your need for the forgiveness of Jesus Christ and surrender your life to Him.  Mary’s life was transformed by that forgiveness and yours can be too.  Mary will always be missed.  But, for those of us who know Christ, we can have full confidence that we will one day see her again.

Every one here today had the privilege of experiencing life with Mary in some way.  The pain we’re experiencing is a reminder that this world is not our home, we were created for another, better world, void of pain and suffering.  We eagerly await the day that Mary is experiencing as we speak—where we will be free of pain and standing in the presence of our Creator; where every wrong will be made right and the eternal weight of glory will far outweigh the hurt of this world.  Until that day, we will cling to Him, praising Him for those he places in our lives who give us a small glimpse of who He is—those like Mary McKarge.