I'm Not Alright

The title to a Sanctus Real song is so simple and yet so poignantly true--I'm not alright.

I'm weak, frail, human.

I fail, disappoint, break.

The past few days I have been reminded of this in so many ways. You know it's bad when you cry uncontrollably over something trivial.  That was me this morning.  I had a bad first day of teaching, I hadn't gotten enough of my independent study class done or studied Greek enough (and classes start Monday), I was sick, and to top it all off, my bank totally messed me up--Isn't that reason for weeping?  Apparently my emotions thought so today.  Ugh.

I can go quite awhile thinking that I am alright.  I can get through a day, a week, maybe even a month on my own, fighting in my own strength.  But then it happens--I break and the longer I've been pretending, the greater the impact is.  Often times I not only break, but am shattered and crumble into innumerable pieces.  It takes a great work to pick all of those pieces up and create something useful,  much less beautiful. 

But, that's what my Creator does.  He breaks me down so that He can build me back up into what HE wants me to be--something more lovely,  a more valuable instrument in His hands. 

That's because He's the One that made me in the first place.  He knows my weakest points, the places in my heart that are the most tender, the areas that need the most refining.  So, as a Potter masterfully molds His clay, my Redeemer chips away the impurities, shaves off the jagged edges and doesn't stop until His work is finished.  And I'm thankful He does all of that not only with perfect precision, but also with great compassion.

"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.  For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14

He knows my frame--the weak, frail, human frame that I try so hard hide.  He created it that way so that He could be the Master and Healer, so that He would always and continually have to be the One I would run to. 

The lyrics to the song "I'm Not Alright" sum it all up:

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
And I'm not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on.

'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You
It leads me to You
Closer to You

And I'll move,
and I'll move,
and I'll move,
Closer to You (x3)

I'm not alright I'm broken inside
Broken inside
I'm broken inside, Broken inside
And all I go through leads me to You
Leads me to You

I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright

... that's why I need You.

Though my flesh would like to tell me that I need to be strong and independent and "enough," I'm glad the Holy Spirit reminds me that I'm not.  I'm glad that He breaks me and exposes the weakest parts of me that I shamefully try to hide behind.  He doesn't stop there--as His light breaks through the cracks, His grace covers them and reminds me that though I am not enough and never could be--He is.

I NEED you, Lord.  Don't ever let me forget that.  Thank you that you have torn so that you may heal, that you have struck down in order to bind up. (Hosea 6:1)