I'm Not Alright

The title to a Sanctus Real song is so simple and yet so poignantly true--I'm not alright.

I'm weak, frail, human.

I fail, disappoint, break.

The past few days I have been reminded of this in so many ways. You know it's bad when you cry uncontrollably over something trivial.  That was me this morning.  I had a bad first day of teaching, I hadn't gotten enough of my independent study class done or studied Greek enough (and classes start Monday), I was sick, and to top it all off, my bank totally messed me up--Isn't that reason for weeping?  Apparently my emotions thought so today.  Ugh.

I can go quite awhile thinking that I am alright.  I can get through a day, a week, maybe even a month on my own, fighting in my own strength.  But then it happens--I break and the longer I've been pretending, the greater the impact is.  Often times I not only break, but am shattered and crumble into innumerable pieces.  It takes a great work to pick all of those pieces up and create something useful,  much less beautiful. 

But, that's what my Creator does.  He breaks me down so that He can build me back up into what HE wants me to be--something more lovely,  a more valuable instrument in His hands. 

That's because He's the One that made me in the first place.  He knows my weakest points, the places in my heart that are the most tender, the areas that need the most refining.  So, as a Potter masterfully molds His clay, my Redeemer chips away the impurities, shaves off the jagged edges and doesn't stop until His work is finished.  And I'm thankful He does all of that not only with perfect precision, but also with great compassion.

"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.  For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14

He knows my frame--the weak, frail, human frame that I try so hard hide.  He created it that way so that He could be the Master and Healer, so that He would always and continually have to be the One I would run to. 

The lyrics to the song "I'm Not Alright" sum it all up:

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
And I'm not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on.

'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You
It leads me to You
Closer to You

And I'll move,
and I'll move,
and I'll move,
Closer to You (x3)

I'm not alright I'm broken inside
Broken inside
I'm broken inside, Broken inside
And all I go through leads me to You
Leads me to You

I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright

... that's why I need You.

Though my flesh would like to tell me that I need to be strong and independent and "enough," I'm glad the Holy Spirit reminds me that I'm not.  I'm glad that He breaks me and exposes the weakest parts of me that I shamefully try to hide behind.  He doesn't stop there--as His light breaks through the cracks, His grace covers them and reminds me that though I am not enough and never could be--He is.

I NEED you, Lord.  Don't ever let me forget that.  Thank you that you have torn so that you may heal, that you have struck down in order to bind up. (Hosea 6:1)   

I'm Really Excited About This

This is what is on my mind lately.  In a few weeks, I get to go here.  Antalya, Turkey.  A family from church has invited me to go with them...for free.  I will have the opportunity to see the 7 churches of Revelation.  Yep, I'm pretty excited. 

This video is rocking my world right now...

Follow Me

This is the picture that comes to mind whenever I hear the term "follow." The classic image of a child following closely in his Father's footsteps. Lately I have been thinking often about what it truly means to follow Jesus Christ. It's a phrase we use so often--"I am a follower of Jesus Christ" or "I am following my Savior." But what does it really mean to follow Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world?

First, and this may seem pretty obvious, but following Christ means that we must be willing to be led. I listened to a Francis Chan sermon recently where he was asking just that--are you willing to be led by Jesus Christ? Really. Think about it. Following means that I am not walking where I want to go, but where He wants me to go. It means that He may lead me somewhere that I simply do not want to go--to another country, to my neighbor's house to share the gospel, out of my comfortable lifestyle and into a life of danger and risk for the sake of the gospel. Wow. I even have to follow if He leads me there? Following means that I give up my rights and my desires and I follow Jesus Christ as Lord in my life.

Second, following means that I must go the places Jesus went. John 12:26 says, "If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also." Where was Jesus? Was he living in "suburbia", in a safe, comfortable little house with a white picket fence, far away from danger and opposition? Reading just one chapter of the gospels and the account of Jesus' life and you will see that He was far from that. Instead, we see Him walking among those who hated Him the most, going to the prostitutes and the poor, the homeless--the "least of these." But, look at us. Just like Caedmon's call said, "The least of these look like criminals to me." So, instead of following, I turn away in fear and frustration, criticizing the very people that Jesus loved and sought most. Why? Because "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, 'I desire mercy and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners." (Matthew 9:12-13)

As I was thinking through these things, I heard Leeland's newest song from their new album (which was just released today). The song is called "Follow You." Here are some of the lyrics:

You lived among the least of these

The weary and the weak

And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away

All of my needs you have supplied

When I was dead you gave me life

How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken

Follow you into the world

Meet the needs for the poor and needy, God

Follow you into the world

The entire song is great, but these lyrics really struck my heart. Because what I am so accustomed to doing is turning the other way, pretending to not see, going back to worrying about what movie to watch or what restaurant to eat dinner at. And yet, what Jesus Christ has called me to do is follow. When I look at that picture of the little boy following his daddy, I think about how much I long to follow Jesus in that same way. The little boy doesn't question the dad as if he somehow knows more, he trusts his dad's leading. He doesn't turn away and start to follow his own way, and if he does, he ends up in big trouble--from his dad and from the consequences of the place he is going. He follows his dad with great anticipation and excitement because he trusts his dad's leading--he is willing to be led.

So what does it all mean?

It means that instead of telling God, "I will follow you anywhere--even to another country" I need to simply follow Him today--

Follow Him when He leads me to give up something that I truly believe I "need" and instead trusting Him to provide for my every need.

It means following Him to buying that homeless guy some food and telling him about the Bread of Life that satisfies and sustains.

It means that instead of condemning and throwing stones at the teenage girl that got pregnant, I take her under my wing and love her the way Jesus loved the woman caught in adultery.


The transition for me of going from living in another country for the sake of the gospel to living in the country I grew up in has been difficult to say the least. In many ways, I am sensing a loss of purpose and clarity and direction. And yet, my purpose and direction in life is the same no matter what continent I am on--Follow Jesus. Or to put it more clearly--be led by Jesus, every moment of every day.

Introducing....Team Clarkenstein!

Yes...that is our team name for Kevin Clark and Emily Klopfenstein's intern team, Summer '09.  I think it's a great team name.  In fact, last night I had a dream that there was actually a city in the US called "Clarkenstein."  I think we're on to something. :)

Without further delay, I would like to show you the line-up for our team, from left to right:

Amber Kronz: "Little sis"  Amber is the youngest member of our team.  This is her first time in the Czech Republic.  How, might you ask, did she decide to come to Czech?  Well, God told her to.  So, she listened and now she's here!  Amber is our math whiz and handles finances for us--something everyone else on the team should probably never involve ourselves with.  I am so excited to see what God does in Amber's life this summer.  I can already see Him doing amazing things in her and showing her more of Himself.  

Josh Frederick: "The Bearded Guy"  You never know what Josh has up his.....beard.  He brings such a fun atmosphere to our team.  Josh has an amazing gift of being able to connect with students and pull them in.  He is also ready to serve the team and everyone around him every moment of the day.  I know God is going to use Josh in the lives of lots of Czech people this summer and I'm so excited to see what God does through him. 

Kevin Clark: "The Pittsburgh Guy" Because of Kevin, our team knows more about Pittsburgh than we ever thought we could..or even wanted.  Kevin has been to Czech and served as an intern many years and is excited to be back here again.  He has great friendships with so many guys here and has really poured into so many of the leaders of the youth groups here.  Kevin wants to be here full-time eventually, after he finishes school.

Emily Klopfenstein: Well, you already know enough about me.  I'm just the girl that laughs a lot.  And the girl that thinks, "Why the heck did they ask me to lead an intern team this summer?"  God has already taught me so much and humbled me so much through this process and I can't wait to see how He continues to do so.  I'm experiencing His strength in weakness more than ever before.

Martin Stepanenko: "The Czech"  Martin is the final member of our team who just joined us last week.  And, let me tell you, he was exactly what our team was missing.  I have known Martin for over 3 years now and have seen him grow in huge ways in his relationship with God.  He grew up in an Atheist family and has an amazing story of how God revealed Himself to Martin.  This picture is of us after church--him being the typical, "don't-show-emotion" Czech and me being the "oh-my-gosh-everything-is-the-best-thing-that's-ever-happened-to-me" American.  Martin has a deep love for God and is such a deep thinker.  He is so intelligent and uses his gift of knowledge to further the Kingdom of God.  I'm so thankful to serve with him this summer and see how God uses him among the people of his own country!

So, there you have it.  A bunch of misfits and losers that God is using for amazing things.  When I think about our team and what an unlikely bunch we are, I think of 1 Corinthians 1:26-27. "For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong."  We are just a bunch of weak fools that have been redeemed by God and are now being used for His purposes.  And it's all so that our only boasting comes from who God is, not who we are or what we can do.  I can't wait to see how God is going to use us this summer to further His Kingdom on this earth to bring glory to Himself.  Stay tuned to hear how God is using Team Clarkenstein to conquer the Czech Republic in the name of Jesus Christ!  

 

Imitate Their Faith

One of the most interesting things to me about the Czech Republic is that it is one of the most atheistic countries in the world and also one of the most rich in Christian history.  What is now a very dark nation was once an influencing country during the Reformation of the Catholic church.  I heard a testimony last summer from a student who accepted Christ after studying the history of Czech Republic, reading the materials that other Czech people had written only a few hundred years ago.  In one of the main squares in Prague is a statue of man named Jan Hus (John Huss), who was burned at the stake being called a heretic by the Catholic church and Martin Luther himself got some views from Jan Hus.  There are countless stories throughout history of great men and women of faith in this now atheistic country.  

The saddest part of all of this is the fact that many of the memorials of these people are in places that people walk by every single day, not knowing what the lives of these people who are now statues represent.  The statue of Jan Hus that is in the square is almost always surrounded by people--sitting on the ledge of the statue as if it were a bench.  They have no idea what this man lived and died for.  

Last week, our intern team was visiting a school in Pocernice, a sub-division of Prague.  The school we were visiting is run by a man who has a reputation for being very harsh towards Christians.  The pastor of the church we were working with, who grew up under communism, said that this principal reminds him of the way school were run under communism.  This man was not happy about us coming to school to invite students to a camp where God and the Bible would be talked about.  Usually, schools will let us come into individual classes and teach an English lesson and promote camp.  This principal only gave us permission to make the announcement over the intercom.  We as a team were praying for a miracle.  We had no idea what to expect, but we knew that the God we were serving had the power to turn the hearts of kings like streams of water to wherever He wants (Proverbs 21:1).  So, we approached with confidence.  

We got to the school, found the principal's office and knocked on the door. I could actually feel the darkness.  It was as if a lid was over this school. After waiting anxiously for at least 5 minutes outside his office, he opened the door.  The pastor was the first person he saw, so the first words out of his mouth were, "For God?"  He then rolled his eyes and invited us (all the while showing his irritation) into his office.  We talked to him about what we were planning to do.  As soon as the pastor told him that we were Americans, his entire disposition changed.  God did something in his heart.  He gave us permission to stand in the hallways and pass out fliers about camp.  It still wasn't visiting classes, but it was more than just making an announcement over the intercom.  

And that was it.  We were in and out of the school within 20 minutes.  But, on the way out, the pastor stopped us to point out a memorial that hung on the wall of the lobby.   It was a sculpture that had the faces of 5 different men who had a significant impact in Czech history.  The pastor began to tell us about these 5 men.  All but one of them were followers of Christ whose main goal was to proclaim Christ in their country.  And here their faces hung in a school, hundreds of years later--students walking by every day, a principal trying to hold back any proclamation of Christ in his school--people with no regard for Christ, not knowing why they were created, without hope in this world.

I think of Hebrews 13:7-8.  "Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God.  Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."  I long for the day when more will imitate the faith of those who came before them.  But, I take great hope in seeing the lives of the few that truly are living lives of great faith, lives that imitate those of the past, lives worth imitating for generations to come.  

There are still so many here in this country that don't know Jesus Christ.  They don't know that which men and women from their history believed in so much that they died for it.  But, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever and He is a God who saves!!!  Just as He emboldened those in the past to live radical lives for Him, He will call more to Himself who will do the same.  And I can't wait to watch that unfold!

The Day We Got Our Visas

You know those days....the ones when you're thinking, "Some day I'll look back on this and laugh."  The day we got our visas was one of those days.

It all started when my alarm went off at 4:30 in order for us to catch the bus by 5:30....oh wait.  That's where the problems began...my alarm didn't go off.  So, Leah woke me up just before 5:00 and we sprinted to the bus station and made it just in time.  We got on our bus and were on our way.  We knew things weren't going well when it started pouring down rain and the bus had to slow down considerably.  Our feeling was right, because at the time when we were supposed to be in the next city getting on the next bus, we were nowhere near a city of any sort. So, we were on to plan B: stay on the bus to the next city and catch the next bus there....which would have worked except for the fact that we missed that bus too.  Sooo...catch the next train in the next city.  Yep.  Missed that too.  The problem is that the Czech embassy in Slovakia is only open for a 30 MINUTE window in which you can get your visa.  At this point, the last train we could catch was getting into Bratislava, Slovakia 15 minutes to 2PM, which was when the embassy closed.  So, we got off our train, ran to a taxi and made it to the embassy at 2:15.  By God's mercy, Autumn (my other roommate) was there already and had stalled them just enough for us to get in.  Also, the lady that was working that day was "the nice one" and she let us in even though it was past time.  Those two things alone were HUGE ways that God reminded us of His perfect control over the situation.  

So...we got to Bratislava, spent about 15 minutes picking up our visas and got back on the train for 7 more hours.  We made our first train switch with no hold-ups.  But, our train to Prague was late and we had a bus to catch and it was the very LAST bus out of Prague that night.  We jumped off the train, pushed through the crowds, ran to the metro, and ran to the bus station.  We missed the bus by 2 minutes.  After expressing our frustration and disappointment, we sat there in silence, completely unsure about what to do. We searched every bus and train out of Prague that night and nothing could get us home before 4 or 5 AM.  Thankfully, we found someone who could drive us home.  So, we finally made it home at 11PM.  I have to say that this one of the longest,  most eventful days of my life and yet I wouldn't trade it for anything and here's why:

1) I got to spend some much-needed time with Leah and Autumn, who I won't be seeing much more of now that the summer is here and I will be heading back to the states at the end of summer.

2) In situations when you want to cry, you can choose to laugh instead and it makes things SO much easier and more enjoyable.

3) We were dependent upon God and therefore prayerful and sensitive to every small blessing along the way.  

4) We have some great memories that we won't forget.  Here are some pictures to show you how we felt at the end of the day:

                                This is how we felt about the fact that we got our visas!!!!
                                       This is us trying to be happy...really, we were trying!
       But, to be honest, this is how we felt at the end of the day....and our adventure wasn't even                                                                                     over yet!

So, there you have it!  There is never a dull moment when you are traveling across the country.  I know all of this makes you wish you could be here too. :)

The Officially Legal with a Visa girl,

Emily