What Remains True after 6 months of Grieving

Today marks 6 months since Mary passed away.  6 months since she entered the presence of God.  Thinking about it in those terms seems so much sweeter.

For us, it's been 6 months of stumbling through each day, crying in the moments where it seems too hard to bear, trying to figure out how to pick up from here with her gone.

But, for her....every day, she is amazed again as she sees before her very eyes the God of the universe.  Every moment, her heart is filled with inexpressible joy as she stands in the presence of her Savior.  Her faith has become sight and she is well.  She's been there 6 whole months and nothing about it is "getting old."  Nothing about it seems too familiar to be amazed.  She's never once wished she could come back to earth, even on the days we'd give anything to have her back.

Her kids started a new school year this week without their mom.  I really cannot imagine what that is like--back to school shopping without mom, new teachers and friends without mom, another season of life without mom.  My heart truly hurts for those boys.

But, I have to cling to this hope in the midst of it: there is more.  There is more than what is seen, more than the pain that lingers and weighs heavily even after 6 months, more than 2 kids trying to get by without their mom.  There is a God who loves those boys more than any person ever could--even Mary. He is still on His throne and He's pointing us to our Home beyond this earth.

I think if Mary could talk to us on days like today--ones where we relive every painful, nightmarish moment leading up to her leaving this earth; ones where we are reminded that this isn't just going to "go away"--she'd say something like this:  It's going to be okay.  I know it hurts and I know that you wish you could change things or somehow see the end of this story.  But, please know that this God is everything He says He is.  He really does love His children more than you could ever imagine and He really does work all things together for good in the end.  Don't give up.  It's worth every second of pain and suffering when you see what He's prepared for those who love Him, when you see Him.  

So, that hope gets me through days like today.  I know it will be worth it in the end--for her boys, for her sisters, for her friends, for every single person affected by this, and for the sake of the Kingdom for all eternity.  It isn't just "okay" or "tolerable."  It is best.  And even after 6 months of wrestling through questions and coming up short on answers, I still believe that with all of my heart.  Mary not only believes that from a distance, but sees it day in and day out.  And someday we will too. I don't know exactly what that day will be like.  But, I imagine it will be something like what Steven Curtis Chapman says:

Though this first taste is bitter

There will be sweetness forever

When we finally taste and see

That Our God is in control

And we’ll sing

Holy Holy Holy is in our God

And we will finally really understand what it means

So we’ll sing

Holy Holy Holy is our God

While we’re waiting for that day

Sorrowful Rejoicing

The reality of the broken world in which we live has been increasingly evident to me the past few weeks.  In fact, it seems that the older I get, the more I see the fallen state of this world.

I hear more and more stories of pain and suffering and death and disease in the lives of others; stories that simply make no sense and realities that are hard to swallow.

News reports become more grotesque and hard to believe (i.e. the story of what has happened in Norway recently).

I see the damaging effects of sin in relationships and the extent of sin that is present in people (myself included).

I know many who are in blatant sin and rebellion and completely blinded to their selfishness and I know even more (again, myself included) who are trying to call people out of that sin and rebellion and selfishness to no avail. 

Even as I write this, I am holding back tears that have seemed to be more readily flowing lately.  These instances just keep pouring in.  Life is just really difficult sometimes.

And yet, in the midst of all of this, I am realizing that the older I get, the more I long for my Home.  These stories point me to the reality of eternity in ways that nothing else can.

I ache for the day when all these wrongs will be made right.

I cling to the hope that someday, pain will be erased and joy will be complete, perfect, and unending.  

And so, in the midst of the pain and discomfort and sorrow, I rejoice.

I rejoice because the things of this world are not ultimate. They are fleeting.  They will soon pass and will usher in an inexpressible beauty and peace that can't even be imagined this side of heaven.  And if I didn't feel the results of sin in such a real and present sense here on earth, I wonder that I would be able to fully love and appreciate and delight in what awaits.

I am realizing that maybe those things which are the most painful to bear, the most disheartening, are the very things that my Savior uses to remind me of all that He has won for all of eternity.  They are the ever-present reminders that there is something more.

 And so, these things become not just burdens to bear, but the very things in which I rejoice. They remind me that though I live in this world at present, my citizenship--my home--lies in the place I was created for, a place that will make every second of suffering more than worth it; a place that will make this very real and evident pain pale in comparison to the joy of eternity with our Savior that is set before us.

It's a sorrowful, beautiful, painful, devastating kind of rejoicing. And it's just another evidence of the great paradox those of us who are in Christ live in--who live in a broken and hurting world, and yet who live for an eternal and perfect Kingdom and the King who is still on His throne in the midst of it all.

"We are...as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything. " 2 Corinthians 6:10

Matt Chandler on Women and Relationships

If you are a woman, please listen to this! 

Ava

I just have to share this picture of my niece Ava.  This was her on Easter Sunday.  It also happened to be her birthday the same day.  She was one happy little princess.  She put her hello kitty rainboots on to go on her Easter egg hunt.  No time for strapping on her pretty little sandals!

I really love being an aunt.  I've talked about that before here (though quite out-dated, the reasons why I love them is still the same).  One of the reasons I love it so much is that I get to see them grow up and see their little minds wrap around the idea of a big God who loves them.  I love seeing it through their eyes; it's all so much more simple. Ava is 4 and is asking lots of questions about Jesus lately.  I love them all. Sometimes it's good to get back to the basics.

He loves me.

He made me.

I can talk to Him anytime I want.

Those are the lessons Ava is learning for the very first time.  And they are lessons I want to come back to often.

I pray that beautiful little Ava grows up to be a woman who loves God and seeks Him and finds her beauty in Him.  Until then, I love seeing the process as she begins to understand who He is.  And I love all that I am being reminded of in the process.     

Singleness

Do you want to be single forever?

I've been asked this question quite frequently lately, in one form or another.  It's a fair question.  I'm 23 years old, planning on moving overseas in the not-so-distant future, no prospective husbands in sight.  I mean, I attended a Christian college and graduated, no ring by Spring! So, I completely understand why the question is being asked.

The responses are different.  Some think I'm being too picky.  Some think I'm portraying myself as too independent and confident.  Some think it's just a matter of time.  There may be truth to all of those things to some degree. But, the real issue in my mind is that I believe that God has called me to go overseas and serve as a missionary.  The burden on my heart is heavy, the excitement and anticipation is growing.  And, I believe He's called me to that regardless of whether or not I have a man by my side.

When I first sat down with my missions' pastor to talk about my desire for missions, one of the first questions he asked was, "Are you willing to go as a single woman and take on all that it implies?"  It was a very important question, for many reasons. 

One is that moving overseas as a single woman significantly lowers the number of male suitors.  I just read an article today stating that single women on the mission field outnumber men 4 to 1!  Based on my experience, I would have to agree.  Of all the countries and missionaries I've visited, I can count on one hand the number of single missionary men I have met.  (And even some of them have since gotten married.)  Single women on the mission field though?  I would have to sit down and figure it out.  But, it's significantly more than men. 

The second reason my missions' pastor wanted me to figure out if this is really something I am fit to do is that being single on the mission field is a lonely place to be.  A new culture, new language, new food, loss of comfort and identity; those all add up to fear, frustration, struggle.  And if you are single, you don't have a spouse to share it with.  You may or may not have roommates.  You may or may not have a deep connection with your roommates.

So, what's the solution?

Well, here's what I believe to be my solution, for me personally.

God has called me to be obedient and faithful.  And I believe He's called me to go overseas, single or married.  I don't think He's called me to stay in America until I get married, and He hasn't called me to settle for marriage if it's to a man who doesn't have a heart for missions.  So, I have to come to terms with the fact that going overseas may mean that I never get married.

Honestly, I don't think that one is better than the other.  They are just different. (Although, Paul's argument in 1 Corinthians 7 does seem to point to one being better. But, that's a different discussion.)

As a single woman, I can devote all my time and energy to loving and serving the people group I am working with.  I can focus on language and culture-learning and still have time to build relationships.

As a married woman, my time and energy must first be devoted to loving and serving my husband and kids, and then to loving and serving the people we are working with.

As a single woman, I can proclaim the gospel in showing how fulfilling and satisfying Jesus Christ is.  I can show that He is enough.

As a married woman, our relationship will be a proclamation of the gospel in showing how Christ loves His Church. 

I'll be honest; I love being free and independent.  I love being spontaneous.  I love having time to myself.  I love the freedom I have for ministry and how much time I can pour into others. I know that in marriage, a lot of those things have to be surrendered, or at least changed drastically.

At the same time, I love cooking and baking and would love to be able to do those things for a husband someday.  I love kids and I would love to raise my own.  I love serving and helping and I would love to serve and help a husband.  Having a companion for life would be sweet.

I have enough married friends and enough single friends in their 30s to know that both singleness and marriage have unique blessings and struggles.  I also know that whether single or married, God has me there for a reason.  I do believe that He's big enough to provide a husband for me even if I move overseas, if that is what He wants. 

So, I don't know what the Lord has planned for me personally.  But, I know that whether single or married, my desire is to serve Him wholeheartedly.  I do know that for now, His plan for me is to be a single woman.  And His calling for me as a single woman is this:

"...The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit..." 1 Corinthians 7:34

Earnest Prayer for the Persecuted

 Yesterday I came across this verse in Acts 12:5

...So Peter was kept in prison, but earnest prayer

was made to God by the church....

How often do you think of other followers of Christ all over the world who are being daily tortured, beaten, murdered for the sake of the gospel?

Now, how often are you praying for them? 

I know that the answer for me is: little to never. And I'm ashamed of that.  Someday I am going to stand in the presence of these brothers and sisters, hearing their stories of how much they endured for the sake of Jesus Christ while I sat in the comfort and ease of America, neglecting to earnestly pray for them.

So, where do we begin?  What do we pray for?

Our first thought is to pray for the persecution to stop.  But, that's not what they want us to pray.

A few years ago, I had the privilege to be at a gathering of church leaders from all over the Middle East, Central Asia and North Africa--all home to some of the most persecuted believers in the world.  You would never know just by looking at their faces the torment and pain and fear that they face on a daily basis.  Without fail, each got up and asked for prayer for those they knew that were imprisoned or were facing death sentences. They asked for boldness and continued opportunities to share about Jesus.  What they never asked for was that the persecution would stop.  In fact, a man from Iran got up and said, "I know you'll be tempted to pray that we would be freed from persecution.  But, please do not pray for that.  Pray that persecution would continue, but that we would remain faithful in the midst of it and that God would use our suffering to advance the gospel."

What a stark contrast that is to our natural inclination to comfort and avoidance of anything even slightly painful. We have much to learn from their faith and perseverance.

Let us not neglect our brothers and sisters all over the world who, even now, are facing pain--even death--on account of Christ.  They need our earnest, consistent, bold prayers.  We serve the same God, no matter how great of a distance separates us. 

"...Keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak..." {Philippians 6.18-21}

*Voice of the Martyr's is a great tool to get started praying for persecuted brothers and sisters.  They have an e-newsletter you can sign up for and send out daily tweets about the persecuted Church.

Overwhelmed

Yesterday was one of those days in which I felt overwhelmed with life.  Sometimes it just hurts, ya know?  A family friend passed away and though she was 93 and headed to meet her Savior, it's never easy to say goodbye.  Poor little Nik cried himself to sleep because he missed his mommy.  Needless to say, it was a rough day.  One for the books.


Then today came.  It was an early morning, which are always difficult for me (I'm totally not a morning person!).  But, His mercies were new and they shone so very brightly into my weary and burdened heart.

Nik wanted to bring his Bible to school this morning and he read Scripture to me on the short drive to school.  His heart is hungering more and more after God's Word and my heart is more and more encouraged by it.

My parents and sister and I went down to UCLA for a doctor's appointment for my sweet mom who has Parkinson's Disease.  We were all faced with the painful reminder that it's a progressive disease, that her earthly body is never going to be perfectly "ok" again.  And yet, there we sat in the doctor's office, laughing, enjoying one another, uncertain of, but not fearful for the future.   

God reminded me through phone calls and texts from friends, time with family, worship music we listened to in the car, and His Word that He is good.  His kindness never ends.  He is faithful in every season.

He has promised in His Word that "goodness and mercy shall follow [literally pursue] me  all the days of my life." (Psalm 23:6)  And He has proven that promise moment by moment, day by day in more ways than I can ever hope to express. 

He pursued me to rescue my soul from death and He will continue to pursue me in goodness and mercy forever.  I can think of nothing more sweet.